


Ancient Spirits of the Forest

by Morgana_avalon



Category: The Sentinel (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-10
Updated: 2019-04-10
Packaged: 2020-01-11 01:01:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 31,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18419576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Morgana_avalon/pseuds/Morgana_avalon
Summary: Blair leaves Sierra Verde without Jim and decides to go to Peru to straighten out his life. However, Blair's plane crashes and things go wrong.





	Ancient Spirits of the Forest

Ancient spirits of the forest. 

 

"She lost her way," Blair whispered and remembered how lost and empty Alex had looked when the paramedics had checked on her. Megan had said it right, Alex had fried her circuits; her senses had overloaded. But Alex wasn't the only one who had lost her way. "I lost my way too," he mumbled, saddened. He hadn't told Jim about Alex Barnes and the female Sentinel had tried to kill them both. Well, she had actually succeeded in killing him. "I drowned," he whispered, softly and finally took that step that would take him back into the Sentinel temple. Simon, Jim and Megan had already returned to the hotel to rest, but the temple kept haunting him.

 

Blair reverently moved through the temple until he reached the room with the grottos. Here, Alex had fed Jim an herbal concoction. As a result, Jim's senses had heightened even more. He sat down and stared into the water. Swallowing hard, he wondered what Jim had gone through when the concoction had enfolded its effects.

 

"I shouldn't be here. I don't deserve to be here," Blair whispered, melancholy. He'd made a fatal mistake when he'd kept Alex's existence a secret. He should have told Jim. 'I need a partner I can trust,' Jim had said and those words still cut through his heart like a hot knife through butter. "Jim doesn't trust me any longer." He dipped his hand into the cold water. "This place belongs to Sentinels. I have no right to be here." He was about to get to his feet, when a dark, gloomy feeling overwhelmed him. Staring into the water he remembered the fountain and swallowing the vile water. It had tasted of chlorine and his lungs had gradually filled with the foul liquid.

 

"I knew I was going to die." It was strange, but he didn't feel alone here. This temple seemed alive, to breathe and surround him with its presence. "But I never thought a Sentinel would kill me." It was kind of ironic that after surviving psychopaths like Lash a Sentinel would finally kill him. "But Jim brought me back." That didn't make sense. Yes, of course Jim had been upset to find him dead in the fountain, but... "Why use the power of your spirit guide, Jim? I know that Incacha helped you, but why use that power on me? I betrayed you!"

 

And then, later at the hospital it had become clear that Jim and he had shared the same vision, but... he'd held back. He hadn't told Jim all what he'd felt during those moments when he'd been dead. Jim had told him that the jaguar and wolf had jumped, had merged and then exploded into light. For him, there had been an extra factor... A sensual factor. When they'd merged he'd quavered with orgasm and only later had he realized that he'd come in his jeans. Jim however, hadn't mentioned a word about that sexual factor. "And I'm not going to bring it up."

 

The water in the grotto lost some of its terrifying quality when he remembered the intense joyous feeling he'd experienced during the merge. Somehow, dying no longer frightened him.

 

Blair looked up and realized that he'd been sitting here for quite a while and got to his feet. He wanted to explore the temple a little. Jim hadn't shown any particular interest in it, but he was dying with curiosity. It was a shame that Jim had refused to tell him more about his experience in the grotto and the temple, which possessed a mystical beauty to him. "This was a holy place once," Blair mumbled and walked into the next room. The walls were painted and several figures depicted Sentinels. 

 

What the hell was he doing here? Only Jim was entitled to be here, to explore its secrets! "I'm a guide who failed his Sentinel." And because he'd failed he would go back to living in a hotel room until he found a place of his own. Jim had kicked him out and he had no intention of begging the cop to let him move back in. He'd closed that chapter in his life.

 

'I need a partner I can trust.'

 

Jim's words echoed in his mind. Jim no longer trusted him. "I can't guide him any longer," was the bitter realization. "He won't trust my judgement any more. It's over."

 

Blair took little comfort in the primitive beauty that surrounded him. The temple was fascinating, but he didn't belong here, not any more. He'd lost his right to guide Jim. It was time that he moved on, really moved on. "I can't go back to Cascade," he realized. Everything that had made the place worthwhile was now lost to him. "If Jim no longer trusts me, the gang at the station won't trust me either. I'm fucked." Simon would pull his credentials and he couldn't go back to 'just' being a grad student at Rainier. His life had changed too much to go back to what he'd thought was 'normal'.

 

"Leave Cascade," he mused. "But where do I go?" There weren't any expeditions he could go on right now. After he'd turned down Borneo he hadn't gotten any new offers. He stared at the painted walls and tried to clear his mind. As he stepped into the next room, he froze. Yes, there was another picture of a Sentinel, (at least he assumed it was one) but this time a woman standing behind him, touching the Sentinel as if to ground him.

 

"A guide?" Blair wondered softly. It surprised him that they would depict a guide. The Sentinel was the only person who mattered to these primitive cultures, wasn't it? Involuntarily he held his breath and studied the next painting. This time the Sentinel was a female and the guide a male. "This is amazing," he whispered, stunned, and he wished he could read the writing on the wall. Was it about guides as well as Sentinels?

 

He stepped closer when he encountered a third painting. The maker had used bright colors to depict the two women, guide and Sentinel. The painter had also succeeded in capturing the apparent attraction between the two. Seeing the affection in their gestures, his eyes stung. "Not now! I don't want to think about it!" Over and over again he repeated his mantra. I can't love Jim. I don't love Jim in that way. But he did and denying it only worsened the pain.

 

Jim's at the hotel right now, no doubt peacefully asleep. "I really fucked up. Why didn't I tell him? Oh no, I'm not getting into that one again. I failed him and that's the truth."

 

Should he have a look at the one remaining painting? Shadows hid it, but he couldn't leave the temple without knowing what it was about. As he took a step deeper into the shadows, he flinched. This time Sentinel and guide were both male. Why was he surprised? Being a guide or a Sentinel was destined, not a choice. "That could have been us, Jim, if I hadn't screwed up. That was us... in the past. I no longer deserve to be your guide. I hope that one day you can forgive me," he sighed and returned to the entrance where he'd left his backpack. He picked it up and left the temple with a heavy sigh, clutching his backpack. It contained everything he needed, money, papers, even the meds the hospital had given him. Although they'd tried to convince him how important it was he took those meds regularly, he hadn't had the time yet to stick to the instructions the doctor had given him. Ever since they'd arrived here things had been a mess!

 

The temple had given him his answer. He wouldn't return to the hotel to say goodbye to Jim, Simon and Megan. That would only make things worse. No, he would drive to the airport and get on a plane to Peru. He didn't know yet why he was heading there or what he hoped to find there, he just knew it was the right thing to do.

 

He climbed into the jeep and started the engine. "I'm not betraying Jim all over again," he chided himself. "Jim doesn't need me any more. With me being out of the picture he can get himself a partner he trusts. I was never a cop, just an observer." His musings continued as he steered the jeep back onto the main road. "Maybe Megan? Yeah, they argue, but they have a grudging respect for each other. Who am I trying to kid? Jim can take care of himself! I need to let go and get a life."

 

Blair willed back the tears that threatened to slither down his cheeks. He'd made his decision and he was going to stick to it. Jim's world would be a happier place without Blair Sandburg around to mess things up.

 

"Peru..." he whispered, his mind was set. He would take the first flight out.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Jim stared at the ceiling, or no, he was almost zoning on the details. Alex had fed him that herbal concoction and had then left him in that grotto. His five senses had gained an even higher sensitivity and it was driving him insane. Why had she done this to him? She was insane. His feelings about Alex were mixed. She was probably the only other Sentinel he would ever encounter in his life, but she had killed Blair. Not to mention that she tried to kill me too! And then she kissed you, wanting to see through your eyes, and become one.

 

The voice within in his head sounded annoyed at the opportunity, which he'd passed up. "She was insane," he said and shook his head. His eyes disconnected from the ceiling and he sat upright. It had been 6 hours since the paramedics had taken a catatonic Alex Barnes away to the hospital. She'll never recover. She went too far. What was it Blair said? She lost her way!

 

Blair. That name sent a stabbing pain through his chest. "I'm sorry, Chief," he whispered in an emotional tone. He'd misjudged his partner. "You did what you thought was best. I'm the one who messed up. If I hadn't kicked you out of the loft... She knew exactly where to find you because you didn't have a place to stay... you didn't have a home any longer."

 

He'd successfully repressed the hurt expression in Blair's eyes when his partner had found the boxes in the center of the room. Had he tried to explain his actions to Blair? No. And Blair hadn't even tried to get any answers and he had let him. They'd pretended nothing had happened, but once they'd gotten home, Blair had found his room empty and his things gone. As far as Jim knew, Blair had stored his belongings with a friend.

 

"He died," Jim suddenly murmured. "Blair died. He died because I failed him. His Sentinel failed him. I should have asked, should have talked." Instead, he had shut Blair out. "We'll put your things back, Chief." The loft had been terribly empty after Blair's departure and he had no one to blame but himself. "I told you to leave, damn it!"

 

"Jim?"

 

Jim sighed. "What is it, Megan?" Why couldn't they give him some personal space? Simon and Megan had been hovering over him since they'd left the temple. It also didn't help that Megan now knew his secret.

 

"Have you seen Sandy?" Megan listened to the silence that echoed back from Jim's room. She'd hoped to find Blair here. This vanishing act worried her tremendously. She'd seen the stress Blair had been in since they'd arrived in Sierra Verde. It was apparent that Alex Barnes had ruined Blair and Jim's special friendship. Her concern for Blair was growing.

 

"No, I haven't." Jim forced himself to get up from the bed and opened the door. "Isn't he in his room?" The truth was that he hadn't seen Blair since they'd left the temple. His memories of what had happened at the temple were still too fresh and he couldn't discuss them yet. He'd seen Blair's empty expression when he'd kissed Alex and he wasn't sure that he could make things up to the grad student. Jim winced when he remembered that he'd kicked Blair out of the loft. Bad karma.

 

"Jim, can we talk?" Megan studied him carefully. Jim disliked the fact that she now knew about his Sentinel abilities, but they had to discuss this new development.

 

"Sure, come on inside."

 

Megan walked into his room and sat down on the chair close to the window. Running after Jim in the jungle had tired her and she was still trying to catch up on her sleep. "You're a Sentinel."

 

"Yeah," he admitted reluctantly. "How did you find out?" 

 

Megan gave him a surprised look. "Didn't Sandy tell you?" Bugger, that was bad! Did this mean that Jim and Blair weren't talking?

 

"No, I didn't have chance to talk to him yet." Jim sat down on the bed. Because I'm avoiding him.

 

"Jim," Megan started, "Sandy didn't tell me. I saw the book and... everything made sense." The look Jim gave her made her feel relieved. He wasn't angry with her. "But what's Sandy's part in this? He never gave me a straight answer."

 

Jim sighed. How could he explain things to Megan? "He helps me control my senses. He's... my guide." Saying it, made it terribly real. "When the senses kicked back in... I can't describe how... scared I felt. I don't know how Blair did it, but he taught me to work with my senses. Sometimes I wonder... would I have ended up like Alex without Blair? What if she'd had a guide?"

 

Determinedly, Megan shook her head. "Not in a million years, Jim. Alex Barnes killed Sandy. You could never commit murder!"

 

Jim shrugged his shoulders. "We'll never know."

 

"So where does this leave Blair and you?" She'd been right. Jim and Blair hadn't been talking to each other lately.

 

"I kicked him out of the loft, remember?" Jim's throat constricted.

 

"Why don't you offer to move his things back in?" Megan suggested. "I'm not even going to ask why you kicked him out."

 

"I don't know the answer myself, maybe..." Jim looked up apologetically. "Maybe I picked her scent up on him. Whenever Blair was close I felt danger and yeah, I'm going to move his things back in."

 

"Jim," Megan wavered slightly. "Do you know whether Sandy has been taken his medication?"

 

Alarmed, he locked eyes with her. "Medication?"

 

"He died, Jimbo," Megan gently reminded him. "The doctors weren't thrilled that Sandy signed himself out."

 

"This will end now," Jim said resolved and rose from the bed. "I'm going to talk some sense into that thick skull of his. I'll find him," he reassured Megan. He'd created this mess, he'd better straighten it out before someone got hurt.

 

"That's the best thing to do." Megan joined him and together they walked into the corridor. "I'll see you at lunch?" Jim would want to talk to Blair in private and she respected that. Hopefully both men would start talking again. "He feels hurt," were her parting words as she turned to return to her own room.

 

"And I caused that pain," Jim whispered, privately, and headed for Blair's room. What was he going to say? Words could never make up for the pain he'd caused. Oh, he'd known all along that he'd been unnecessarily harsh and he still hadn't figured out why he'd pushed Blair away. Blair wasn't responsible for this mess, Alex Barnes was!

 

As he moved through the corridor he wondered what to say. He certainly owed Blair an apology, but would his partner accept it? He reached Blair's room and forced himself not to reach out with his senses. It was about time that he started to respect Blair's privacy.

 

Jim knocked on the door and waited for an answer. I never knew about his medication! That was freaking unbelievable. Blair and he used to talk about everything and Sandburg hiding the fact that he was on medication was unheard off. I dragged him along and I never considered that he might still be healing… I never once asked about his health!

 

Consumed by guilt he knocked again as Blair didn't answer. "Blair? Chief? Answer me when you're in!" Surprised, Jim listened to his own voice, which bordered on panic. "Blair? I'm coming inside!" What if Blair hadn't taken his medication and had collapsed?

 

Using his senses he searched for a heartbeat and body heat. He found none. Panic took over… Either Blair wasn't in his room or… Blair was dead. Jim kicked in the door and stormed inside.

 

A huge sigh left his lips. The room was empty. His eyes quickly searched it and he realized that something was definitely wrong. None of Blair's clothes were here. Actually, the room looked untouched. What the hell was going on? Where was Blair Sandburg? Jim quickly made his decision and headed for the reception desk.

 

A lovely young lady smiled at him.

 

"Has Blair Sandburg checked out?" Jim asked as a sense of foreboding swept through him.

 

"Blair Sandburg?" She checked the computer entries. "Mr. Sandburg still has to check in."

 

Stunned, Jim stared at her. Was Blair still at the temple? Shaking his head, he tried to rid himself of the remaining fogginess. Yeah, Blair hadn't been in their car when they'd driven to the hotel, but he'd assumed that Blair was traveling in Megan's car. Shit, this felt wrong.

 

"Can I rent a car?" His mind was made up. He would return to the temple and confront Blair. It was about time they opened up to each other.

 

The brunette smiled again and handed him some forms to fill in. Jim set to it with grim determination.

 

///

 

Surprised, Blair realized that he was no longer terribly afraid of heights. When had that happened? Maybe dying had taken away some of his fears, reminding him that worse things could happen to him?

 

He stared out of the tiny window. He'd been extremely lucky to find a plane that was about to take off for Peru when he'd arrived at the airport. He'd plundered his bank account in order to pay for it, but at least he was on his way to Peru. The engines of the plane snored and he relaxed in his seat. The pilot seemed well skilled and Blair felt confident the man would deliver him safely to Peru. The only other passenger, an elderly businessman, sat behind him in the small plane.

 

Blair opened his backpack and looked at the few items that would accompany him on his journey. First there was Sir Richard Burton's book. He didn't have any use for it any longer and planned on sending it to Jim by mail. That way the book would be in the hands of its rightful owner, a Sentinel. Flipping the pages of his journal, he sighed deeply. He'd kept this journal since he'd turned 16 and had started at Rainier. Maybe it was time to stop writing in it?

 

Eventually, he found the meds they'd given him at the hospital. Okay, he should probably take them. He felt a little dizzy and weak in his knees. Blair made a mental note to read the prescription once they'd landed and then to take them regularly.

 

The flight would last hours and he closed his eyes, determined to catch up on some much needed sleep.

 

///

 

"Blair?" Jim used his senses to scan his surroundings. Damn, he'd been so sure that he would find Blair at the temple, but a first scan revealed no other human presence. "Sandburg!" he exclaimed frustrated. "What game are you playing?"

 

Involuntarily, he was drawn inside the temple. As he reached the grottos he sucked in his breath. This was where he'd kissed Alex, and Blair had been forced to watch, bound and helpless. "But he wouldn't have stopped me anyway," Jim knew with certainty. Blair respected him and would have let him make his own decisions. "Damn you, Sandburg!"

 

The unexpected loss of his guide made him feel unbalanced. After everything he'd been through he needed Blair to straighten out his life, because he had no idea how to do that. When he'd been in the grotto everything had made sense. He'd found the answers to his questions, but they were gone now and Blair was gone too.

 

"Blair, where did you go?" His instincts told him that Blair had made a drastic decision. As he walked into the next room, his eyes immediately focused on the single hair that had fallen onto the floor. Jim bent down and picked it up. Yes, Blair had been here. As he examined the hair his attention was caught by the images painted on the wall. "Guide and Sentinel," he whispered as his eyes lovingly caressed the painting of the two men, one a Sentinel and the other grounding him. His left hand reached out and his fingertips explored the painting. The guide in the painting wore his hair long and his body had been painted in green, black and red, which reminded Jim of the way Incacha had looked.

 

"I took you for granted, Blair," he realized saddened.

 

A sudden noise near the entrance of the temple made him turn around. He identified the intruder within a heartbeat, smelling the tobacco in the air. "Simon?"

 

"Jim? What are you doing here? Our plane leaves in one hour!" Simon took in his surroundings. He hadn't been inside the temple before. Mystified, he tried to make sense of the paintings and the grottos. He knew what had happened here, but had yet to understand what Sentinels were really about.

 

"Blair's gone," Jim said directly. "I need to find him."

 

"Blair?" Simon searched his memory. Damn, he hadn't seen the kid since they'd arrested Alex Barnes. "Where did he go? Do you know, Jim?"

 

"No, I haven't got a clue," Jim said defeated. "I can only hope he'll show up at the airport or at the loft when he's ready." His fingers caressed the painting and his eyes stung, but he was resolved not to cry in front of his superior.

 

"Maybe the kid needs some time to get his life together again?" Simon suggested, but felt equally worried. Blair vanishing like this wasn't a good sign.

 

"It goes deeper," Jim said eventually as he gestured the captain to follow him outside. "I hurt him."

 

"Jim, didn’t he hurt you too?" Simon decided to get to the core of the matter. Jim had been acting weird for some time now and maybe he could get Jim to open up.

 

"Blair didn't hurt me," Jim corrected Banks and shielded his sensitive eyes from the bright sun light. "I didn't let him in. That's a difference. I cut him off the moment I saw that spotted jaguar in the store. Blair didn't have a choice. I made it for him."

 

Simon looked at Jim with a mystified expression in his eyes. "Jim?"

 

"I smelled Alex on him when he was close. Instead of asking him about her, I kicked him out." Jim raised an eyebrow. "I don't know why I didn't trust him."

 

"Jim, the kid risked his life for you more than once. You should know that he would never betray your trust." Simon kept back just in time. He couldn't tell Jim what he really thought; that Blair Sandburg had one hell of a crush on Jim Ellison.

 

"I wish I knew where to find him," Jim said softly and looked up at the temple. "But the next move's up to him."

 

"He'll contact you, Jim," Simon offered, but he didn't feel that certain. He'd seen the way Blair had acted around Jim after Sandburg had drowned. It had been oddly out of character.

 

"I'm not giving up, Simon," Jim said eventually. "I'm a cop… I'll track him down."

 

"And we'll help you." Simon patted his friend's shoulder, fearing that the old Ellison might return now that Blair was gone. Simon had cherished the changes he'd witnessed in his friend since Blair Sandburg had stormed into their lives. The truth was that Blair had given Ellison a reason to live and now that the reason was gone Simon feared for his friend. "We'll find him," Simon repeated and nodded his head, but like Jim, he felt discouraged.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Peru

 

Blair startled awake as a loud noise ripped through the small plane. His old fear of heights was still buried beneath the surface and Blair tried to find the origin of the distressing sound. As he looked into the dark night, he rocked back in his seat. One of the engines was on fire! Tongues of liquid fire snaked up the wing and seemed to reach for the hull of the plane. Blair's skin turned to gooseflesh. "What happened?" he called out at the pilot. The businessman, who had sat behind him, was now also moving towards the cockpit. Blair and the elderly man exchanged a concerned glance.

 

"Engine's malfunctioning," the pilot cursed and tried to keep the plane balanced. "I'll try an emergency landing. You'd better brace yourself, gentlemen," he advised.

 

Blair sat back down again and strapped himself in. "Why does this always happen to me?" he wondered aloud, remembering jumping out of a plane years ago. Maybe he should have chosen a different form of transportation? Blair gritted his teeth as the pilot set in landing procedures and his fingernails dug into the seat. Well, look on the bright side, all your problems might get solved now!

 

Briefly, he felt a stabbing pain. How would Jim react when the Sentinel learned of the crash? How would Jim handle it? Jim will deal with it and move on He's come a long way since we met. His only regret was that he had never had the chance to tell Jim how he truly felt about the Sentinel. He still hadn't figured out if it was a guide/Sentinel or a Blair/Jim thing. However, he did know that he'd searched his entire life to find his Sentinel and when he'd found Jim, he'd fallen in love with the cop. Unrequited love was a bitch.

 

Blair sucked in his breath and wondered how Jim would have reacted to his confession that he was in love with the Sentinel. Jim would probably have kicked him out. Yeah, it had been best to keep his feelings a secret.

 

The plane swirled out of control and his backpack was flung through the inside of the plane. The businessman's briefcase followed. Blair realized that their emergency landing was in reality a controlled crash. They barely stood a chance to survive the impact. As the plane roared towards the jungle, Blair closed his eyes and managed to recall Jim's face, and more importantly, the Sentinel's smile. His last thoughts were for Jim. When the plane finally hit the earth Blair lost consciousness.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

His blue eyes flashed open as a stinging pain washed over him. He took in his surroundings and only encountered the stench of burned flesh and wrecked metal. A cloud of smoke hovered over the plane and he threw up at the sight of the two corpses, which had been flung out of the plane upon impact. He couldn't control the panic that washed over him and he emptied his stomach on the burned earth. Alive, he was alive, but all alone. His instincts warned him that he had to put distance between him and the plane and he hauled himself to his feet, only to collapse again as his right leg gave away beneath him.

 

Acting on instinct he grabbed a branch and used it to support himself. He limped away from the metal wreck and reached the safety of the trees, which sheltered him from the smoke and horrific sight. Drained, he fell to his knees and he yelped in pain as his right knee twisted beneath him. His locks danced on his shoulders and some strands had been burned. As he looked down he stared puzzled at his clothing. Holes had been burned into them and angry scratches scorched his stomach. The metal had melted into his flesh.

 

A sudden explosion made him cringe and he crawled closer to the tree until his back rested against the trunk. He clasped his hands round the twisted kneecap and whimpered softly. The explosion roared in his head and he covered his ears to protect them, but now his knee acted up in pain again.

 

He watched puzzled as the plane continued to burn. Why had he been on that plane and where was he now? More importantly, who was he? Sudden fear swept through him as he realized that his chances of survival were small. By the looks of it, he was stuck in the middle of the jungle and the forest was unknown territory. 

Should he move further away from the plane? He would certainly encounter a predator that would attack him and in his current state he was no challenge for an experienced cat. And what about snakes? Scorpions? Venomous spiders? Now that he'd lost his mobility, he couldn't run!

 

He pulled his scorched coat closer to his trembling body and cocked his head as he stared at his bleeding right wrist. Why hadn't he noticed that a small rod of metal had pierced it and why didn't he feel any pain? Feeling numb and detached, he studied the metal that was stuck in his wrist. Should he pull it out or leave it in? If he pulled it out it might cause the bleeding to grow worse and if he left it in, he might die of infection.

 

He tried to speak, but only a growl left his lips. Tears escaped his eyes as he realized how grave his situation was. He would die here, all alone and cut off from help.

 

The person he had been… would that person fight death? Would that person try to stay alive? Did it matter? Feeling terribly confused, he simply sank onto the earth until he was flat on his back. The pain in his knee had reached its maximum and he suspected that he would pass out soon. Lying unconsciously in the jungle was a sure ticket to death.

 

He stopped fighting destiny and drew in a deep breath, which was tainted by smoke. He grew aware of the earth beneath his body and buried his fingers in it. A bird in the top of the tree suddenly began to sing and in the midst of this chaos he found something beautiful as he listened to the bird's song. As he drifted off into unconscious he surrendered to the forest.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

When he opened his eyes again it was dark and the temperature had dropped. The sounds of the jungle barely reached his ears. Drained, he managed to open his eyes and stared at the full moon in the sky. The plane was still burning, emitting a soft glow.

 

I'm still alive… he realized baffled and regretted it. How could he ever survive in these forests, not even knowing who he was and what to do?

 

He tried to move, but his body objected fiercely. Ignoring it, he succeeded in getting back to his feet. Using a branch to support himself he made his way deeper into the jungle. He had to find water and it could be days before anyone would locate the plane.

 

Do I want to be found? What if I was on the run? These questions ran in circles through his head.

 

Almost an hour later he collapsed against a tree. Still, there was no trace of water and he felt exhausted. Resting his tired legs, he licked his lips. Had he seen fruit when it had still been day? What if the fruit was poisonous? Did he care?

 

He cradled his injured wrist against his chest and hummed softly. It wasn't a melody and didn't consist of words… but he needed to hear a human voice.

 

Suddenly, something warm pressed against his injured leg and he tried to find the source as he stared into the darkness. A soft rattle warned him that he'd trespassed and he tried to hold perfectly still. He had no idea what kind of snake was crawling up his leg, but it felt heavy and large. Fear gripped him. His first reaction was to jump up and shake off that snake, but what if it was venomous and would it bite him because he'd moved? Frozen, he stared at the grey and brown snake, which had large diamond-shaped blotches on the back. A slender, burr-like arrangement of scales at the tip of the tail was the source of the rattle-like sound. The head seemed abnormally big and he held his breath. The yellow eyes had him hypnotized and when the snake opened its mouth he recoiled at the long fangs. No, I don't want to die.

 

But the snake lashed out and buried its fangs in his throat.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Sierra Verde

 

Jim stared out of the small window at the maze of jungle beneath him. They were on their way back to Cascade and about to leave Mexico behind them.

 

Where are you, Blair? Until the last moment he'd hoped that Blair would show up at the airport and that they would have an opportunity to talk.

 

They'd tried to track down the jeep, which Blair had used and they'd even found it at the airport. But the information desk had been unable to track down Blair's destination due to a computer breakdown.

 

Simon had assured Jim that they would track Blair down once the system was working again, but right now they had to return to Cascade. Jim had reluctantly given in, realizing that if Blair didn't want to be found, their search would be futile anyway.

 

Depressed, Jim stared at the midnight sky and the rare clouds that drifted by. He didn't feel good about leaving Sierra Verde without knowing where Blair was. Maybe he should have stayed so he could locate Blair? But would Blair appreciate it that he was being tracked down? What if Simon was right and his partner just needed some time to get his life back together again?

 

"Jim?" Concerned, Simon searched Jim's eyes. Jim sat next to the window and Megan at the aisle, with left Simon with the seat in between them.

 

"I shouldn't have left," Jim admitted and his eyes longingly held onto the last remnant of Mexico in the distance. His throat felt constricted and his stomach knotted. He hadn't eaten since he'd learned of Blair's disappearance and he felt strangely numb, like his heart was dying. The pain of separation was like nothing he had ever experienced before. He actually felt physically ill because Blair wasn't close. Jim closed his eyes as a stabbing headache moved through his skull. "Shit!" he cursed loudly.

 

"Jim?" Simon reached out and clutched his detective's head between his hands. "Talk to me."

 

Megan watched them, concerned and full of apprehension. She'd feared something like this might happen. Why couldn't Jim admit that he was bound to Blair? She refrained from talking and gave Simon and Jim the privacy they needed.

 

"Headache…" Jim whimpered. The pain was bad. He hadn't even felt this bad when the Golden had caused him to go blind. The pain started at the back of his neck and moved over his skull to his temples.

 

"Try to relax, Jim. Does this have anything to do with your senses?" Damn you Sandburg! Where are you? I don't know what to do! Simon soothingly rubbed Jim's shoulder and tried to remember what Blair usually said in a situation like this. "Dial it down?" he came up with eventually.

 

"Won't work…" Jim choked out. He managed to regulate his breathing and felt the change at once. "How?"

 

"What is it?" Simon looked at Megan for help. Maybe the Aussie had an idea? But Megan's helpless shrug told him enough.

 

"My senses…" Jim opened his eyes and cringed mentally. "They're gone, Simon… back to normal." In the past he'd hoped that his senses would disappear, but now that they were gone, it frightened him. "What happened? Why did I lose them?"

 

"Are you telling me that you're no longer a Sentinel?" Simon asked in disbelief.

 

"Yeah," Jim breathed the word and then leaned back. The headache was gone. He tormented his brain, trying to find the reason why his senses were gone, but he could only come up with one reason, Blair.

 

"Do you think something bad happened to Sandy?" Megan said hesitantly, having reached the same conclusion.

 

Simon glared at her, wishing she'd remained quiet. "I'm sure nothing bad happened to Sandburg. His senses are shutting down because his guide deserted him."

 

"That's not fair," Jim said softly, still trying to get used to the loss of sensation. "I didn't give Blair much of a choice."

 

"How's your headache, Jim?" Megan inquired. She failed to suppress her feelings of dread. No matter what they said, something bad had happened to Sandy. It was the only logical explanation.

 

"It's gone," Jim whispered and turned silent. Why was this happening? First Blair left and now his senses were gone. Can I go back to being 'normal'? He'd gotten used to his heightened senses and as he listened, touched, smelled and watched, he found the world incredibly empty.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Cascade

 

Jim paced the loft. Simon had dropped him off hours ago, but he couldn't shake this restlessness. With his senses down he felt vulnerable and weak and wished Blair were here to guide him. Why had Blair taken off like that? "You could have said goodbye, Chief. We've been friends for three years now. Why walk out on me like that?"

 

He racked his brain. Why had Blair acted out of character? During all these years, during several misunderstandings, Blair had never left his side. What was different this time? Blair hadn't given him any clues. Jim mentally tried to replay the words they had exchanged.

 

"The beach…" That had been the first time when he'd seen that lost, almost defeated expression in Blair's eyes. He'd kissed Alex on the beach, had kissed the woman who had murdered Blair.

 

Jim sat down and picked up one of Blair's statues. It depicted a warrior ready for battle. "Seeing me kiss Alex must have been hard on him, yes, but… Blair never seemed that angry with her…"

 

Or had it been the kiss that had angered Blair? Jim stared at the small statue in his hand and remembered the paintings in the grotto, which had shown guide and Sentinel in a more intimate role.

 

"Is that it, Blair?" he wondered mystified and suddenly remembered something that had baffled him since the drowning. When Blair came back from the dead Jim had smelled pheromones and it had stunned him that someone could feel aroused at such a dreadful time. Then he'd smelled semen on Blair and had realized that his guide had come in his jeans.

 

Staring intensely at the statue Jim tried to put the missing pieces of the puzzle together and had to face the merge. He'd tried to deny that it had ever happened, but now… What he'd never told anyone, not even Blair, was that he'd climaxed as well. He'd only realized it when Blair was fully breathing on his own. Whenever he thought about the merge he felt confused. The jaguar and wolf had merged, had consumed each other, so did the same thing apply to Blair and him? Stunned by this revelation his eyes grew big. "We had sex, Blair…" But that didn't feel right, like he'd reached the wrong conclusion. "Or did we make love?" That realization took his breath away. "In that case things would make sense," he whispered privately. "When I kissed Alex you felt betrayed." Okay, he was jumping to conclusions here, maybe even the wrong ones, but he decided to stay with this line of thought. "When we merged, we became… one," Jim mused aloud. The terms lovers didn't even cover this experience. "Then I kissed Alex on the beach and later in the temple…" he mentally thought back to his visit in the hospital. "I told you I wasn't ready to take that trip with you…"

 

That had to be it. It was the only explanation that made sense. "Assuming that I'm right, you left because you felt that you'd failed me. And you thought that I no longer trusted you because I 'chose' Alex." Man, the Sandburg Zone was a weird place! "So what do I do now?" Jim placed the statue back onto the windowsill and walked into Blair's room. There were still a few boxes waiting to be unpacked, but the place looked inhabited.

 

Commit to your guide. 

 

"Incacha?" Jim turned around. A memory tugged at his mind. Hadn't the Chopec also spoken to him in the grotto? What had Incacha said to him back then? Damn, why couldn't he remember?

 

He is your light, Enqueri.

 

"My light?" Jim shivered. The disembodied voice startled him. "Incacha? I need your guidance."

 

Yes, you do, because you let your true guide go, Sentinel.

 

"Where can I find him?" Jim held tight onto this last straw of hope.

 

I can't tell you. First you need to find out if you're willing to commit to your guide. You've been taking him for granted for a long time. The balance has been upset.

 

Jim thought hard. Was he willing to commit? "Yes." But Incacha's voice remained silent. Jim had hoped that the Shaman would tell him Blair's whereabouts.

 

An unexpected knock on the door pulled Jim from his private conversation and irritated, he marched over to the door to open it.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Simon drew in a deep breath and composed himself before Jim opened the door. He hoped he could do this. Maybe he should have asked Joel or Megan to accompany him, but he felt that this was his personal duty. "Jim? We need to talk."

 

Jim noticed the raspy tone and raised a puzzled eyebrow. "Sir?"

 

"Can I come inside?" Simon braced himself for what was going to happen and feared Jim's reaction to the bad news.

 

"Sure, sir." Jim gestured his captain to take a seat on the couch. It was obvious that Simon was here in an official capacity, but his friend was still there beneath the professional exterior.

 

"It's about Blair," Simon said softly and wondered if he would make it through the conversation himself.

 

A terrible cold clutched Jim's heart as he recognized the tone Simon used. "Bad news," he said knowingly and sank onto the couch next to his captain and friend.

 

Compassionately, Simon nodded his head. He'd rehearsed his next line during his way over to the loft, but now he hesitated to phrase it like that. "His plane crashed… there are no survivors."

 

"No," Jim said softly and fought his tears. "It's a mistake. Blair's still alive!"

 

"Jim, I know this is hard on you, but… they found their remains. Blair didn't survive the crash." Simon's heart ached for his friend. "Blair was on his way to Lima when one of the engines caught fire. The pilot tried to land the plane, but crashed." Simon wondered if it would be okay to rest a comforting hand on Jim's shoulder. It almost looked like the horrible news hadn't registered with the Sentinel yet. "Blair's dead." Simon hated saying it like that, but Jim had to understand. The sudden emptiness in Jim's eyes shocked him. The blue orbs went dead. The sparkle that always burned there disappeared.

 

"No," Jim whispered barely audible. "I would know if Blair was dead!"

 

"Jim, think about it. Your senses are gone… maybe you were right and it's because something bad happened to Blair." Sharing Jim's pain he finally placed a hand on Jim's shoulder and squeezed it gently. "I loved the kid too."

 

Slowly, Jim's head dropped onto his chest and his hands rested palm up in his lap. "I can't lose him again, Simon… I just can't."

 

Simon felt at a loss. When he'd first heard the news he'd been devastated as well, but he had accepted it. His biggest fear had been that Jim wouldn't accept it and would go into a frenzy, demanding they traveled to the crash site to prove that Blair was still alive. As he studied this empty shell of a man, he wished Jim had gone into that frenzy instead.

 

Jim failed to control his emotions and tears slipped down his cheeks. It didn't matter that he was crying in Simon's presence. His captain, his friend, would understand.

 

Simon hated seeing Jim fall apart. "I'm sorry, Jim." The words sounded hollow although they were spoken from the heart. "Is there anything I can do?"

 

"No, Simon… thanks." Jim shook his head. Blair was dead? Blair had died in a plane crash? His mind was still trying to understand. "You're sure about this? It isn't a mix up?"

 

"There was only one passenger registered on that flight and that was Blair. They found the remains of two severely burned corpses." Simon wished he knew what words would offer Jim comfort. "I'm trying to contact Naomi, but so far I haven't had any luck."

 

"I don’t know where she is either," Jim admitted and wiped away his tears. "Simon…"

 

"I understand, Jim. It's okay to let go. You and Blair were close. I'll miss him too, hell, we all will. I want him to have a memorial service, if that's okay with you?" Simon studied Jim and doubted that the detective would be fine once he'd left and decided to stay a little longer.

 

"He deserves that, Simon. He deserves a memorial service. I hope we can contact Naomi in time." Jim felt emotionless and was now operating on automatic pilot. He felt like a robot, mechanically breathing, but his heart had died.

 

Jim stared at his hands. And I thought I had figured it out. If Blair really is, was, in love with me… I would have given him a chance.

 

"Jim?" Simon asked concerned. The distant look in Jim's eyes worried him. "What are you thinking about?"

 

"I was wondering if Blair was in love with me." Jim no longer saw a reason to hide his suspicions. They couldn't hurt Blair any longer.

 

Simon allowed a tiny smile to break through on his face. "Actually, I'm pretty sure he had one hell of a crush on you."

 

Jim flinched. "Why do you think that?"

 

"After all he's been through he stuck with you… he never moved out, did he?" Simon's eyes darkened. "You just figured it out?"

 

"Yeah, I never knew… only now I'm putting the pieces of the puzzle together." Jim reached for the Afghan that Blair had often used to wrap himself up in. The fabric still contained Blair's scent. "What do I do now, Simon?"

 

"You move on. You mourn his death and move on. We need you, Jim," Simon said, but his heart wasn't in it.

 

"I'm no longer a Sentinel. I'm useless now." Jim pinched his eyes shut. "I finally realize what I threw away."

 

Simon swallowed the lump in his throat. "That's life."

 

Jim pulled the afghan closer. His heart was breaking and nothing could stop it from happening. "When will you hold that memorial service?"

 

"I'll try to schedule it for tomorrow evening." Simon looked about and saw that Blair's things had made a come back into the living room. "What are you going to do about…" He pointed at one of Blair's tribal masks. "These things will only remind you of Blair."

 

"They stay," Jim said resolved. "I want them to remind me of him. Blair won't be forgotten!"

 

Simon understood. "I need to make a few calls to organize the service. Are you going to be okay?"

 

"Yeah," Jim sighed and dug his nails into the afghan. He would sell his soul to have Blair back here with him.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

The ringing of the phone pulled Jim back to consciousness. He hadn't zoned out, but he'd buried himself in that dark place where no one could reach him… except the phone.

 

Simon had left thirty minutes ago after telling him to expect Joel to show up in forty. Simon thought that he needed a baby sitter.

 

Jim picked up the phone and cleared his throat, praying it wasn't Naomi. He doubted he was capable of talking to Blair's mother right now. His own pain was still too deep. "Ellison," he said in a voice he hardly recognized as his own.

 

"I'm truly sorry to disturb you, sir, but I'm Michael Finch, Blair's lawyer."

 

Jim simply nodded his head. "And…?" Why couldn't they leave him alone! Then something in his brain clicked. "Blair's lawyer?"

 

"Yes, sir. Blair drew up a will two years ago and you're in it. I would like to set up a meeting so we can discuss Blair's will. I know this is hard on you. I've known Blair since he was little. Naomi's a personal friend. It's a terrible loss."

 

"Yes, it is." Jim couldn't help it; the tears came again. "He never told me he made out a will."

 

"I would like to discuss it with you. I could come to your place tomorrow morning, let's say ten AM?" Michael Flinch wanted to talk this through with Jim Ellison as quickly as possible.

 

"That's okay I guess. Do you have my address?" Jim reacted mechanically.

 

"Yes, Blair wrote it down for me. I'll see you tomorrow then."

 

"Yeah," Jim sighed and dropped the receiver onto the floor. Still in shock he sank down onto the floor and stared blankly at the wall.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

Jim stared into the beady yellow eyes of a Bushmaster. It was one of the most dangerous snakes at the Amazon and he'd even run into one during his stay in Peru. But that didn't explain why he was now dreaming about it. Yes, he knew it was a dream. Lately, he'd gotten his share of nightmares and had learned to identify them in his sleep. Keeping perfectly still he studied the snake, which was angry and about to strike at him. The long fangs flashed and the Bushmaster lashed out.

 

Drenched in sweat Jim willed himself to wake up. "Damn," he cursed as he opened his eyes. That dream had felt amazingly real. His right hand automatically reached up to probe the spot where the fangs had buried themselves in his skin, but he found no puncture. "Why am I dreaming of snakes?" The dream had shaken him more than he wanted to admit. Was it because Blair had died in the jungle? Blair… thinking the name started the pain all over again. His hands clenched into fists and he slammed them into the mattress.

 

"You ought to be alive, Blair… not dead." Guilt tormented him. He felt guilty because he'd left Sierra Verde instead of waiting for the computers to come online again at the airport. If he'd stayed he might have gotten to Blair before his partner had boarded the plane.

 

He pushed back the comforter and climbed out of the bed. Nowadays, he had to hit the light switch before he could make his way downstairs. "I can't believe that I actually miss my senses." That had been another revelation. He'd never realized how much he'd come to depend on his heightened senses and he desperately wanted them back.

 

But it made sense that his senses had gone offline when Blair had died. Now that he no longer had a guide he was a danger to himself and society. That was something Blair had never understood. "I need you to guide me," Jim said compassionately.

 

Slowly, he made his way downstairs and opened the French doors to Blair's room.

 

He'd put Blair's things back and the boxes were gone. He almost expected Blair to walk into the room to get some sleep. Blair's scent was strongest here and he lay down on the bed, wrapping the blankets around him. Comforted by Blair's scent he closed his eyes again.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

It was almost nine AM and Blair's lawyer would show up at eleven. Jim opened his eyes and took in Blair's little knickknacks. Why had Blair never told him that he had a lawyer or that he had made out a will at such a young age? Why wanted this lawyer talk to him? "Because Blair mentioned me in his will." Why had Blair done that? "I'll get my answer shortly," he whispered and dozed off again. Without Blair there wasn't really a reason to get up.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

 

Michael Finch took a deep breath before he knocked on Jim Ellison's door. Usually, his clients came to his office, but considering the circumstances he'd made an exception. He'd known Blair and realized that Detective Ellison might still be in shock.

 

Jim composed himself as he walked toward the door to open it. He'd only gotten up thirty minutes ago and felt like the living dead. After getting dressed he'd sat at the kitchen table, remembering all the times Blair had used to make breakfast. Now he was sitting here alone.

 

Michael Finch cringed inwardly as he got his first look of Jim Ellison. The man looked like he'd given up and his movements were clinical. The detective moved mechanically and Michael knew informing Ellison about Blair's will would be hard.

 

"I'm Jim Ellison," he introduced himself and accepted the offered hand, which he shook weakly. "Have a seat."

 

Michael immediately noticed Blair's things, which were spread all over the living area and sat down on the couch. "I'm sorry for your loss, Detective Ellison."

 

"Call me Jim." He took a seat opposite the lawyer. Jim studied the middle-aged man, who wore a black suit and grey tie. His blond hair was short and resembled Jim's own brush cut. The brown eyes however, emanated compassion and Jim decided he liked the man.

 

"Jim," Michael started, "Blair changed his will a few months ago."

 

"I never knew Blair had a will. Isn't that… odd? Considering he is… was so young," Jim corrected himself and wished he could kick Finch out. He wanted to be alone, not discuss Blair's will!

 

"Blair drew up his first will when he turned 18. I guess it was Naomi's influence. She wanted him to make the right decisions."

 

Jim sighed deeply. "Look, I don't want to appear disrespectful, but could we hurry this up? I still need to do some things."

 

"The will." Finch opened his briefcase to take out his papers.

 

Jim stared at the document, fully realizing that Blair had written it. It felt like Blair was talking to him from beyond the grave and he found himself clinging to every word Finch spoke. "Give it to me straight."

 

"Very well," Finch looked through his papers and then at Jim. "Blair left a few personal items to Naomi...was his journal destroyed in the fire?"

 

"They still need to examine the crash site. I'll give it to you should they recover it." Jim rubbed the bridge of his eyes.

 

"He left the rest of his belongings to you, which are quite impressive."

 

"Impressive?" Jim chuckled. "Like his Volvo? It's still in the shop."

 

Finch chuckled in return. "The Volvo is one of the ten antique cars he owned and which you now own. He also leaves you a cabin situated in the Cascade Mountains and 1.634.892 dollars."

 

Jim gulped for breath. "What?"

 

"You didn't know that Blair was quite… rich? Naomi gave him a yearly allowance and Blair inherited quite some money from his grandmother." Finch handed Jim Blair's will.

 

Jim's eyes watered as he recognized the familiar handwriting. "I always thought he was a poor struggling grad student!"

 

"Blair never wanted to take advantage of Naomi's wealth. He put the money in a bank account instead." Finch uncovered a small package from his briefcase and put it on the coffee table. "Blair left this package at my office with explicit instructions that only you were allowed to open it. You might also want to know that he left instructions for a possible funeral or memorial service."

 

"He left instructions? Yeah, there'll be a memorial service."

 

"Who's organizing the service?" Finch made a note to contact this person and to inform him of Blair's instructions.

 

"Captain Simon Banks, Major Crime." Jim also gave Finch Simon's cell phone number. Then he stared at the small package that sat challengingly on his coffee table. "Do you know what's inside?"

 

Michael raised an eyebrow. "It feels like a tape…"

 

"A tape?" Jim dreaded looking at Blair's face on a TV screen.

 

"You don't have to open it," Finch reminded him. "Do you have any more questions?" There was a lot of paperwork to attend to before Blair belongings were registered to Jim Ellison.

 

"No, right now I'm too stunned to think. Blair was a millionaire and he never told me? He had me paying some of his bills!"

 

"That's Blair," Michael said and smiled kindly. "Naomi also contacted me. She won't come to Cascade. Right now she's in Tibet and she decided to stay there."

 

"Well, I did wonder where she got the money to travel all the time." Jim couldn't tear his eyes away from the package. "Thank you." He shook Finch's hand and walked him to the door. Jim felt relieved when Finch had left, but then he remembered the package… A copy of Blair's will rested next to it. Could he open it? Should he open it now? What was inside that package?

 

"Chief, you could have told me what was going on. I don’t need your money…" Had Blair been afraid that the money would have changed their friendship? "No, knowing Blair he never considered the money important enough to mention and damn, I paid for the bills for the Volvo!" He actually grinned as he realized how Blair had played him. "Manipulative little bastard," he whispered affectionately.

 

But the package still sat there, calling him and eventually he marched over to the table and picked it up. Shaking it, he realized that Finch might have been right. Sounded like a vid. Sweat appeared on his brow as he sat down on the sofa to hesitantly open the package. He closed his eyes before taking that last step and uncovered the content. Peeking at the vid, he also noticed the letter. Acting on instinct he gently took hold of the letter and opened it. Blair's handwriting was steady and Jim started to read.

 

Jim,

 

Looks like I didn't survive another attack from a psycho. I'm sorry that I never told you about the will or this package, but I lacked the courage.

 

This is hard… I never thought it would be this hard. I'm sorry I died and I hope that you're okay. You know, the Sentinel is too important for the tribe and I'm certain you'll find another guide. Just chose someone you feel comfortable with, like Megan? I noticed the way the two of you fight. (I'm grinning here!)

 

Jim had to stop reading as tears blurred his vision. He wiped them away and stared at the letter. Only Blair could be grinning when writing such a letter. Jim gathered his courage and continued to read.

 

Jim, you'll be wondering by now what's on the tape. It has detailed instructions for the new guide. I considered writing it down in my journal, but I can't be certain that it will be around.

 

And now for the hardest part. I should have told you a long time ago, but I never found the necessary courage to tell you,

 

Jim held his breath, realizing Blair was about to confide in him.

 

Don't freak out on me, man, okay? Remember when you came to my office that first time and slammed me against the wall?

 

"Yeah, I do. How could I ever forget?" Blair had stood his ground back then.

 

I fell in love with you that instant and I've been in love with you ever since. Didn't you ever wonder why I never moved out? I wanted to be close to you. I knew that you could never love me in that way and I accepted that. But I loved being close to you. The touches we shared were enough for me.

 

The tears came again and this time Jim didn't wipe them away, didn't fight them. He finally had his answer, but it was too late! He cursed loudly and wished he could turn back time.

 

I might be dead, Jim, but hopefully you'll never forget that neo-hippie witch doctor punk that never moved out. Thank you for the most amazing time I ever had.

 

Jim, I love you,

 

Blair Sandburg.

 

Emotionally torn, Jim allowed his fingertips to caress the paper. It was the last message Blair had given him and it was a confession of love. Angry with himself for never seeing the obvious truth, Jim got to his feet and stalked into Blair's bedroom. He lay down, clutched the letter to his heart and remembered all the good and bad times they'd shared.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Peru

 

A group of men moved quietly through the jungle. It was almost morning and last night they'd seen the plane crash. The elder had put together a group of men who would try to help any survivors. Nahu led the group of Chopec through the jungle, using the soft glow from the still raging fire to guide them. They moved in silence, listening to identify screams, moans or spoken words that would lead them to the survivors.

 

Nahu raised his head, telling the others to stop walking. As the young man looked about he saw that someone had trodden down the bushes, obviously not caring where he walked. Nahu kneeled and studied the tracks. "One man," he told the others in Chopec.

 

They resumed their search and aided by the tracks they found a young white male. Nahu beckoned them to build some kind of stretcher and quickly examined the stranger. "Easy now," he said in English. The Chopec had sent him to the city and he had learned the white men's language. Nahu's hands moved over the young man's body and encountered several injuries, which could be treated. But when he reached the young man's throat he whispered, "Shushupe!" warning the others that the dangerous snake might still be close. The Chopec quickly scanned their surroundings and continued to construct the stretcher. "You're safe now," Nahu assured the stranger and held onto him when the young man had a seizure. "If only I knew when Shushupe bit you!" The venom had probably already spread through the man's body and was shutting down his system.

 

Nahu stroked back some dirty locks to get a good look at the stranger's face. He was stunned when a pair of startling lucid blue eyes locked with his. "We'll take care of you," Nahu whispered, wondering how it was possible that the stranger was still conscious. The bite of the Bushmaster usually killed instantly. The snake was feared and revered. It was holy to the Chopec.

 

"Why did it bite you and then leave you?" Nahu wondered. "Why didn't it feed on you? How come you're still alive?" but the stranger couldn't answer him and Nahu nodded his head. "It's a test."

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Through the mist of fever he stared at the man that now hovered over him. Surprised, he noticed that the man's words made sense, but he was unable to reply. His throat was constricted and he had trouble breathing. He move; his heart pounded in his throat and his blood burned in his veins. Part of him realized that it was the snake's venom that was slowly killing him, but he refused to die. There was something he still had to do, something he had to say, something really important, but he just couldn't remember what it was.

 

He tried to raise his left hand, but his body didn't react. All he could do was stare at the group of men that now hoisted him on an improvised stretcher and then started to carry him away from the plane, deeper into the jungle.

 

"I'm Nahu," the man closest to him said and feeling grateful, he tried to lock eyes with Nahu, his saviour. I don't know my name, he thought confused and closed his eyes. The pain was getting worse, quickly becoming unbearable and in the end, he lost his fight to stay conscious.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Nahu watched the blue eyes close and told the men to stop walking. He wanted to check the stranger's vitals, but as he looked up, he saw another Chopec standing at the head end of the stretcher. "Incacha?" Nahu whispered surprised. Although their Shaman had died in the great city, they'd seen his spirit occasionally. The Shaman now walked the spirit plane and would always keep an eye on the tribe.

 

"Nahu, take good care of this one. He's a chosen one." Incacha rested a transparent hand on Blair's chest, then let it travel to the puncture the snake had left behind. "Shushupe blessed him."

 

Nahu remembered the old tales in which the Bushmaster was seen as a holy spirit. Its task was to select true Shamans and to set them on their path by biting them. The venom would kill a false Shaman, but the chosen ones would live. "Incacha?" he said, pleading for guidance.

 

"He'll be the tribe's Shaman. Take him to the healer and watch over him. The spirits blessed him." Incacha turned and disappeared into the jungle.

 

Nahu swallowed hard. Incacha had spoken in their native tongue and the other Chopec had devoured every word the dead Shaman had spoken. The tribe needed a new Shaman now that Incacha was dead. Reverently, several Chopec bowed to the stranger and quickly picked up speed again. One Chopec left the group to alert the healer.

 

An elderly Chopec asked Nahu what to call the chosen one. A name gave power and calling the stranger by his name would bind his spirit to the tribe.

 

Considering the question Nahu eventually said, "Shushupe," the snake had blessed the stranger and the young man was now entitled to wear that name.

 

"Shushupe," the other Chopec said and smiled.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

The healer watched over the chosen one and tended to his needs. Regularly, the elders inquired about Shushupe's health. The tale of Incacha's apparition quickly spread through the Chopec village and the warriors came to the healer's hut to pledge their alliance to the new Shaman.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

He was drifting, floating through the dark and only the growl of an enraged jaguar reached his ears. His eyes were useless here, so he had to reach out with his mind. He found the black jaguar and it was thrashing with pain and grieve. He pulled the animal close and stroked the ebony fur. He stayed on the spirit plane while his body fought the venom.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

 

Cascade

 

Jim focused on the amazing sun set, grateful that Blair had left instructions that his memorial service should be held outside. They had gathered here to pay their last respects to Blair Sandburg and Jim was barely keeping it together.

 

The trees still provided shadow and music played softly in the background. Jim fought to maintain his control over his emotions, but heard the soft sobs coming from behind him. Rhonda and Megan were crying and even Joel and H wiped away some tears. A huge number of Blair's students and several TA's were also present. He even recognized Stoddard in the crowd, but his eyes quickly returned to the familiar faces. Rafe stood close to Megan, offering silent support and Simon was talking about the way Blair had made its everlasting impression on Major Crime. Jim had declined to give a short oration. Emotionally he wasn't up for that and Simon was doing a great job.

 

Simon's eyes sought out Jim's and he noticed the blank expression in them. Jim had told him about Finch's visit and the letter. Seeing Jim's reaction to that letter had pained him, who had always assumed Jim knew Blair was in love with him. He'd already talked to Joel and Megan and they'd agreed to take turns to look after Jim.

 

"Jim?" Joel moved closer to Ellison, seeing the slumped shoulders. "Do you want to get out of here?"

 

"No," Jim whispered. "Blair selected the music and I want to hear it. Can you imagine that he didn't pick any exotic drums for this occasion?" No, Blair had chosen soft and comforting songs and Jim blinked away his tears.

 

Joel grew silent, allowing Jim to deal with this in his own way, but he stayed close. He agreed with Simon that at some point Ellison would explode with emotion and that they should be there to redirect that anger. It would be just like Jim to aim it at himself.

 

Jim focused on the music instead, trying to release some of his pain and frustration at having failed.

 

Don't look back

 

How could he not look back? They had shared so many good times. Playing football, solving their cases, helping people in need, even finding an angel!

 

Keep your head held high

 

Okay, he could do that. Keep the mask in place. No one should see his pain, which was a private affair. He was mourning Blair's death and he would hide behind those walls like he had before Blair had entered his life.

Don't ask them why

 

Why? Why did you leave me, Blair? Why did your plane crash? It isn't fair, Blair. You should be at my side… maybe we would have been lovers if you had told me how you felt after returning from Sierra Verde!

 

Because life is short

 

Short.Your life was too short. What a terrible waste! A terrible sadness overwhelmed him. How could he ever go on without Blair?

 

And before you know  
You're feeling old

 

Old, he felt so old. Maybe I should just lie down and follow you, Blair? My God, why did you choose this song? Did you want to make me cry? Using the back of his hand he wiped away his tears.

And your heart is breaking

 

Oh Blair, it broke the moment I heard about the plane crash… I want you back! Jim accepted Joel's comforting touch, but what he really wanted was Blair.

 

Don't hold on to the past

 

Chief, I know that you mean well, but the past is all I have! I can't let you go… ever!

 

Well that's too much to ask

 

"Yes, it is!" Jim said out loud and with grim determination he stood his ground, waiting for the service to come to an end.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

The last tones of the music faded and Jim started for the truck. He wanted to go home; to be alone. Then he would sit down on Blair's bed and go through the journals, books and papers his partner had written and he would take comfort in that. He still possessed the things that kept Blair's spirit alive.

 

Blair's letter was in his pocket. He wouldn't leave home without it as he cherished it. Tonight he would try Blair's meditation technique and use his candles to help him relax. He was holding onto Blair the only way he knew.

 

"Jim! What for me!" Joel called out and signaled Simon to hurry up. Jim had almost reached his truck.

 

Jim turned around. "Guys, I appreciate the effort, but I want to be alone."

 

"Sorry, Jim, it doesn't work that way," Joel corrected him and slipped into the truck as well. Simon would drive in his own car to the loft so they wouldn't be stranded later.

 

Jim considered letting his anger roam free to get Joel off his back, but couldn't do it. Joel had liked Blair a lot. They drove in silence, not even the radio was on.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Joel and Jim climbed the stairs to the loft and Jim opened the door. A lump formed in Joel's throat when he saw Blair's things. He knew that Jim was determined to keep them in their rightful place.

 

"Do you want a beer?" Jim offered.

 

"No, thanks… but I would like some of Blair's chamomile tea." Joel didn't hesitate to use Blair's name. They needed to remember him.

 

Jim considered the request and put his own beer back into the fridge. This wasn't the right time to drown his sorrows. He registered Simon's arrival, but didn't react verbally, just uncovered a third teacup.

 

Simon and Joel exchanged a concerned glance as they sat down on the couch. They'd expected the loft to be a mess, but it was clean, too clean. They noticed Blair's books and journals on the kitchen table and it felt like the anthropologist could join them any moment.

 

Simon realized what Jim was doing. Jim was keeping Blair alive, surrounded himself with his partner's things to create the illusion that the younger man was still here. Damn.

 

"I already miss him," Joel said as he sipped from the tea. "Blair was a bundle of energy."

 

Simon peeked at Jim, trying to gauge his friend's reaction to that statement.

 

"Did you know he had a crush on me, Joel?" Jim asked out of the blue.

 

Surprised to hear that particular question, Joel shrugged his shoulders. "Jim, we assumed the two of you were together, had been together since… Lash kidnapped him."

 

"Why didn't I see it? I was a Sentinel for crying out loud!" Jim stared angrily at his tea.

 

Suddenly Simon realized why Jim kept mentioning Blair's crush. "Do you love him?"

 

Jim looked up and rubbed his brow. He felt tired. "Tough question, Simon."

 

"Jim…" Joel said, urging his friend on.

 

"I love him… In the beginning I loved him like a brother… but somewhere down the road it changed. I don’t know." Jim really didn't know how to answer that question. "Maybe if Blair had let me know that he was in love with me I could have found out."

 

"What are you going to do now?" Simon had arranged some time off from the force for Jim.

 

"I don't know," Jim said in a sullen tone. "Maybe…"

 

"What?" Simon and Joel said simultaneously.

 

"I was thinking about going to Peru… I need to see the crash site to deal with it. Blair wanted me to stop repressing things… and I should face this." Jim looked up apologetically. "I need to say my private goodbye to him."

 

"I understand that, Jim, but give it some time? Traveling to Peru isn't the right thing to do right now… maybe in a few weeks," Simon suggested. "You might not admit it, but you need your friends close."

 

Jim smiled and Simon felt a little relieved. The smile was genuine. "We'll remember Blair, I promise. We'll keep his spirit alive."

 

Joel nodded his head once. "As long as we remember Blair, he'll live on, don't forget that Jim."

 

Jim sighed softly. Blair, when you died you took my heart with you and I don't know if I can go on, not even with the help of Simon and Joel.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Peru

 

Days turned into long nights as he fought for his life. He'd grown used to the presence of at least one Chopec, who would help him drink or cool his body with fresh water. No longer questioning their reasons for helping him, he simply lay there, while his body fought the Bushmaster's venom.

 

What he hated most were the seizures, which regularly tormented him. The Chopec healer, Nandu, would chant and wave with feathers until the seizure had stopped. However, the worst thing was that he was conscious all the time. He wished he could turn unconscious, leave all this behind and drift back to his dream world and hold onto that black jaguar that was always there, waiting for him.

 

He didn't understand their language. The healer's words meant nothing to him and that frightened him, as he lay helpless in the dark hut. But there was this one young Chopec that usually visited him once a day and he understood the language Nahu spoke. Now he was waiting for the young man's visit.

 

Suddenly a ray of light pierced the darkness and he quickly closed his eyes. The light hurt. Soothing darkness returned once Nahu entered and he opened his eyes again. He hated lying on these furs and wished he could sit up. He'd tried once but a seizure had taken hold of him and since then he'd stayed flat on his back.

 

"You look better, Shushupe," Nahu said pleased and sat on his heels next to the young Shaman.

 

Shushupe? Was that his name? The healer also called him that. He stared hard at Nahu, feeling helpless because he was still unable to pronounce words. Only growls left his lips.

 

"Do you want some water?" Nahu asked and filled a small bowl with water. "The healer says you're getting better." He helped the young Shaman to sit upright. "No seizure?" Nahu wondered aloud. Pleased, Nahu noticed that the blue eyes were lucid. "You are getting better!"

 

Weakly, he nodded his head. Yes, he felt better and devoured the water. Actually, he wanted more!

 

"The healer says that you can have some fruit… would you like that?" Nahu was gradually working towards his goal, telling the young Shaman about his condition.

 

He nodded his head again. Yeah, he would love some fruit. So his name was Shushupe? Did it feel right? He couldn't answer that question. Nahu offered him a piece of fruit. His movements were clumsy when he tried to peel off the skin.

 

Nahu refrained from helping the young Shaman. Shushupe needed to relearn these things. Eventually the young Shaman succeeded and ate the fruit. Nahu studied him. The injured wrist would continue to give him problems. The healer had removed the metal, but the rod had severed nerves and the young Shaman had lost some of his hand's flexibility. The knee would also cause him pain and one Chopec warrior had already carved a beautifully decorated staff that would support their new Shaman.

 

After eating several pieces of fruit he looked up at Nahu. He wanted to tell the Chopec how relieved he was that he hadn't a seizure today and smiled. But when he tried to speak, it resulted in a low, guttural growl.

 

"Give it time," Nahu adviced. "You've only been here for 7 days and you're on your way to recovery." The other man's eyes grew big. "You didn't know that? We found you a week ago. The healer has tended to your injuries since." Blue eyes asked for more information and Nahu complied. "We found you at the crash site. A Bushmaster had bitten you and you were more dead than alive. We decided to carry you to the village, but then our dead Shaman appeared."

 

"In…ca…ch," he mumbled, surprised that he'd managed to partly pronounce the name. Helplessly he stared at Nahu. He had no idea why he knew that name.

 

"Yes, Incacha," Nahu assured him and wondered what really was going on here. He never believed the old tales that the Bushmaster chose the Chopec's Shaman, but now he was starting to believe. How was it possible that the young Shaman knew that name? "Incacha told us that you're our new Shaman."

 

Shaman? Confused, he lay back down. His knee hurt and his wrist throbbed as well. Shaman? He was supposed to be their Shaman? He was sure that he didn't know how to do that.

 

"Once you've healed Incacha will come for you. You need to be initiated into the way of Shaman, Shushupe. You survived the bite of the Bushmaster and you knew our dead Shaman's name." Staring at the young Shaman, he concentrated on the blue eyes, which fascinated him. 

 

He raised a puzzled eyebrow when Nahu continued to stare at him. A blank expression appeared in the Chopec's eyes and alarmed, he raised his left hand to touch Nahu. It almost looked like Nahu was… zoning? Zoning? What's that? And how do I know Nahu's zoning?

 

The light touch on his upper arm broke the zone out and Nahu shivered. Shocked, he stared at the young Shaman. "How did you do that?" Nahu moved a little closer and grabbed Shushupe's hand. "You're the first… the first to bring me back that quickly. I usually zone for hours and the healer… he tries. The others try, but only your touch registers."

 

Nahu's words washed over him and he helplessly shrugged his shoulders. I don't know, Nahu. Don't know what I did and why it worked… He studied Nahu and finally one word floated at the edges of his mind. "Sen…tinl." When the word left his lips, he knew he had pronounced it wrong. He tried again. "Sen… ti…nel."

 

"Yes," Nahu admitted. "I'm a Sentinel… sort of," he rectified. "I only have four heightened senses. My sense of taste isn't heightened."

 

The young Shaman nodded his head. Suddenly it was imperative that he talked. "Gui…de…"

 

Nahu stared at him in disbelief. "I can't believe that you know about this!"

 

"Guide!" he stated again and grinned, pleased that his vocal cords had decided to cooperate.

 

"You're a guide and a Shaman!" Nahu stated thoughtfully. "Maybe the ancient spirits did bring you here to help us." Nahu realized that this conversation was draining the young Shaman and he patted the guide's arm reassuringly. "You need to rest. We can talk later."

 

Still grinning, he closed his eyes and listened to Nahu's footfalls as the young Chopec left the hut. It felt good that he was able to talk again. Hopefully he would continue to improve. Someone else approached and he opened his eyes again, looking up at the healer. Nandu was an elderly man, dressed in traditional clothes and his black hair had beads and feathers in it. His face was painted and resembled a skull. He vividly remembered looking at the healer's face for the first time. It had worsened his nightmares, but now he was getting used to it.

 

"Shushupe," the healer said and released the smoke that he'd held inside his mouth.

 

The smoke descended onto him and he inhaled it. The first time the healer had done this he had tried hard not to inhale, but when he'd accidentally taken in some of the smoke he had found that it eased his pain. Drifting off, the pain grew less and he felt at peace.

 

The healer smiled. Incacha had chosen well. The tribe would flourish thanks to this young Shaman.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Cascade

 

"Ellison! My office, now!" Simon sat down behind his desk and took a deep breath. This conversation would be hard on him. He didn't want to do this, but had no choice.

 

"Sir?" Cautiously, Jim peeked inside. He knew what this was about. He'd messed up… again.

 

"Have a seat, Jim." Simon pretended to study the reports in front of him. He was studying Jim Ellison instead.

 

"You don't look that great, Jim," he said eventually. Dark circles had formed beneath Jim's eyes and Ellison was still losing weight. They'd made a schedule to take Jim out to dinner and if Simon wasn't mistaken, it was Joel's turn tonight. He had the suspicion that Jim didn't eat when he was alone at the loft.

 

"I'm okay, considering…" Jim helplessly shrugged his shoulders. He sat down opposite the captain and waited for the inevitable.

 

Simon removed his glasses and leaned back into the comfort of his chair. "How long has it been?"

 

"Almost three weeks, sir," Jim replied, immediately knowing what Simon was referring to.

 

"Jim, you've got to move on. Blair would want that," Simon said compassionately and locked eyes with Jim. "You almost got a fellow officer killed today."

 

"I don't know what happened," Jim admitted. One moment he had been running after a suspect and the next moment he was blocking a cop's line of fire and the suspect had fired at his fellow officer instead. "It felt like a zone out," he said hesitantly.

 

"That's impossible, Jim. You can't zone. Your heightened sense are gone… or are they back?" Simon inquired worried as he put back his glasses. "Jim, talk to me. I'm your friend. Forget about me being your captain for a moment. What's going on?"

 

Jim got up from his chair and paced Simon's office. "I'm having dreams," he confessed. "In those dreams I'm back in the jungle, back with the Chopec. I don't know why I'm having them."

 

Simon decided on his strategy. "You miss Blair, don't you?" They all missed Sandburg. Major Crime wasn't the same place without the anthropologist.

 

"Yeah, I miss him." Jim returned to the desk and a helpless expression appeared in his eyes. "And I'm angry."

 

"With whom?"

 

"With me!" Jim exploded. "I took him for granted! I never realized how much he meant to me! The things he did for me!"

 

Simon listened carefully, letting Jim rave. He gestured Joel that everything was all right and that Taggart didn't have to come to the rescue. Focusing on Jim again, Simon said, "Blair loved to do all those things for you. The kid was addicted to your paperwork."

 

"Yeah, he did that too, didn't he? I let him do the things that I hated doing myself." Jim stared at his captain. "You're taking me off the streets?"

 

"I've got no choice." Simon sincerely believed that this was the right thing to do. "You're a danger on the streets, Jim. This wasn't the only incident in these last 3 weeks."

 

"So I'll be riding a desk for the rest of my life?" Strangely enough Jim didn't really mind. "That's one thing Blair never understood, Simon."

 

"What?"

 

"That I need him," Jim whispered. "Can I have the rest of the day off? I don't think I'll be much of use today."

 

But Simon wasn't satisfied yet. "Jim? What aren't you telling me?"

 

"It's… was Blair's birthday today," he whispered softly. "He would have turned thirty today."

 

"Jim, go home. I expect you to come in tomorrow and to finally make that appointment with the department psychiatrist. You need to talk to someone."

 

"Respectfully, sir, I don't need a shrink." Jim walked towards the door. "My life was never normal," he said and looked Simon in the eyes. "When I still had the heightened senses I hated them. I felt like a freak and then Blair stormed into my life. He made things right again and now… now that he and the senses are gone I wanted them back, I want both back."

 

Simon didn't know what to say. "Sorry, Jim."

 

"It's okay, sir. Thanks for listening." Jim closed the door behind him. He ignored the concerned glances his fellow detectives gave him and headed for the truck.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Back at the loft he went straight to Blair's room and collapsed on the bed. "Chief, I can't do this any more," he said determinedly. During these last three weeks he'd grown used to talking aloud, addressing his dead partner. "Simon put me on desk duty. I almost got Collins killed today." Jim wrapped the blanket around him. It saddened him that Blair's scent had almost faded completely. It was getting harder to hang onto Blair. "Simon's trying hard to be a friend, Chief, but he doesn't understand. You were the only one who truly understood what I was going through. Blair, I wish I could turn back time and stop you from boarding that plane."

 

Jim reached out and switched on Blair's tape recorder. It still had the tape Blair played last. It contained the comforting sounds of dolphins and whales and it soothed him. "Blair? I've been thinking about our relationship. It was about friendship for me, but to you it was a lot more. You loved me… Blair, I think I love you too. Why else would my heart break in two when I heard about the crash? It must have been horrible; dying like that… I would have walked that path with you. This isn't life. I'm not living, not really living." Jim stared at the ceiling. "I'm waiting, you know. Waiting to join you at the other side."

 

Closing his eyes he tried to visualize Blair's face. "I'll go to Peru, visit the crash site... I doubt I'll be back. Maybe I'll stay with the Chopec for a little while and then get 'lost' in the jungle. I'm not coming back…" He smiled contentedly now that he'd made up his mind. "Happy birthday, Blair."

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Peru

 

"You can go outside today," Nahu told the young Shaman who had made a remarkable recovery. Shushupe's wrist no longer held any power and the right hand had become useless, but the strength in the Shaman's mind was impressive. Nahu helped his Shaman and guide as the young man crawled out of the dark hut.

 

He shielded his eyes, using his limp right hand, but couldn't help feel excited. He'd spent almost five weeks in the dark hut and the healer, Nandu, had finally declared him fit enough to set his first steps outside.

 

"Here, your staff."

 

He accepted the staff and admired the beautiful carving. "Thank you," he whispered and smiled at Nahu. "I want to walk." His speech had considerably improved and he had been talking to Nahu whenever he got the chance. The healer was also teaching him the tongue of the Chopec and he was learning quickly.

 

Nahu helped him to his feet and then supported the young Shaman. "Are you sure you can do this?"

 

"Yes," he replied and smiled at the warriors, young women and children that were gathering around him. The healer had told him about his new position as Shaman and his duties involved. "Keep me steady?" he asked and Nahu obeyed.

 

"Shushupe!" One of the elders walked up to the young Shaman to place his offering of fruit at his feet.

 

The young Shaman knew what he was supposed to do and raised his left hand, palmed turned to the heavens and spoke the ancient Chopec blessing. He noticed their pleased expressions and smiled in return. He already loved these people. "Nahu? Can we go into the shade? I'm feeling hot."

 

"You still have a slight fever," Nahu explained and guided his Shaman to a large tree that offered plenty of shade. "Do you want to sit down?"

 

"Yes." As he sat down his eyes searched the group of Chopec, which were still watching him. "I should thank the tribe. They saved my life."

 

Nahu smiled. "You're a chosen one. You're a Shaman." Nahu helped his Shaman sit down and made sure Shushupe's back rested comfortably against the trunk of the tree. "You honor the tribe by accepting your position."

 

The young Shaman smiled in return and looked down his body. Nandu had helped him dress before going outside. He was wearing some kind of leather skirt and Nandu had placed a necklace of bones, feathers and beads around his neck.

 

It was hot and he soaked up the warmth. He loved being outside and watched as the Chopec returned to their chores. The village radiated a beautiful tranquillity. "Nahu? Why do you think the spirits chose me to be your new Shaman? I mean, I don't speak your language, don't know a thing about your customs and I don't really fit in here."

 

"No one understands the spirits. We just do their bidding." Nahu's eyes drifted off to a small group of women that were bathing in the river. One young woman sat alone in the grass, watching the others splash in the water.

 

"You like her?" he asked Nahu, seeing the affection in the Chopec's eyes.

 

"Yes, but her mother is from a different tribe and people are suspicious of her. I'm not," Nahu said with a smile. "I'm in love with her."

 

"Have you told her?"

 

"No, I would need the elders' permission and they wouldn't like it when their 'Sentinel' married an outsider."

 

The young Shaman wondered, did he have enough influence to change the elders' mind? He didn't know why, but he felt the urge to make sure these two got together. Later, he would ask Nandu's advice. The healer seemed to know everything that happened within the tribe. But he was growing tired and said, "Can we go back inside? I think I need to lie down…" His skin wasn't used to the fierce sun and he feared sunburn. 

 

"Of course!" Nahu felt a little guilty that he hadn't realized how draining this was for Shushupe and helped him back to his feet. "How's the knee?"

 

"It still hurts. I doubt I'll ever be able to run again." He looked at the staff and cherished the thought that someone had cared enough to carve it for him. The affection that shone from the Chopecs' eyes still surprised him. Every member of the tribe seemed to accept him.

 

Nahu guided him back to the hut where Nandu was waiting for them. "I'll be back tomorrow," Nahu promised and waited until the young Shaman had gone inside. Nandu was a wise man and would take care of Shushupe.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

The next day Nandu decided it was time to start teaching his pupil. He beckoned the younger man to get to his feet and together they made their way outside.

 

He followed Nandu faithfully, trusting the old healer completely. "What are we going to do? Where are we going?" He wished he knew enough of the Chopec language to formulate his questions. Using his staff to support him, he limped away from the hut. "Nandu?"

 

The healer kneeled and pointed out a plant to his pupil.

 

He tried to kneel as well, but his knee retaliated with a stabbing pain, so he remained on his feet instead.

 

Nandu laid a hand on his chest and coughed. Then he pointed at the plant again.

 

Slowly, the young Shaman began to understand. "This plant heals colds?"

 

Nandu smiled. The expression in Shushupe's eyes told him that the younger man understood.

 

He followed Nandu as the healer made his way over to a plant with yellow blossom. Watching his teacher closely he learned that this plant was used to soothe burns. His curiosity awoke and he followed Nandu deeper into the jungle.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Cascade

 

Jim sat behind his desk, doing his load of paperwork when Simon entered the bullpen. The captain looked worried and Jim quickly returned to study his reports, hoping Simon wasn't worried about him.

 

"Hey Jimbo, are you okay?" Megan walked over to his desk and sat down on it. "Want to go out for dinner tonight?" She was worried. Jim continued to lose weight and his muscle tone was fading. His clothes bagged around his once muscular frame and everything told her that Jim had long given up and was waiting to join Blair in death. They couldn't let that happen, but did they have the power to stop it?

 

"No, I'm not hungry," Jim said quickly and peeked again at Simon who now sat behind his desk, vigorously smoking a cigar. It was time to redirect this conversation. That was one thing Blair had taught him. "What's eating him?"

 

Megan followed his glance and sighed softly. "You're not the only one who has trouble moving on. We all miss Blair. I think Simon tries to bury it deep inside because he wants to be there for us."

 

"Simon will be okay," Jim tried to sound calm, but he couldn't really pull it off.

 

"Jim? Are you still going to Peru?" Megan asked, remembering Jim had brought it up before.

 

Jim nodded his head once. "Yes, I already booked a flight. I'm leaving tomorrow." Over a month ago Blair's plane had crashed and he needed to see the site, needed to see the grave where they had eventually buried the remains.

 

"Are you going alone?" Megan didn't like this one bit. Lately, it had felt as if Jim was distancing himself from the rest of the gang. It felt like goodbye.

 

"Yes." Jim continued to stare at Simon and wished he still had his heightened senses so he could monitor his captain's vitals, maybe catch Simon's murmur. Inwardly, he cursed his helplessness.

 

"Ever thought about asking Simon to join you? He might need some closure too. I think he feels responsible for what happened to Sandy." Megan hoped Jim would take the bait.

 

"You think so?" Jim looked up questioningly. Maybe Megan was right. Simon and he had become friends thanks to Blair. "You think I should ask him?"

 

Megan barely managed to suppress her grin. If Jim had company on his trip to Peru, Ellison might come back to Cascade after all. "I really do."

 

Jim got to his feet. He didn't want Simon to carry this burden, not when everything was his fault. "I'll ask him."

 

Megan watched Jim walk over to Simon's office. Pleased, she returned to her desk and concentrated on her own reports.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

"Simon?" Jim knocked softly. Simon hadn't locked the door and he pushed it open. "Can we talk?"

 

Simon nodded his head, rubbed the bridge of his nose and cleared his throat. "Yes, we can talk, Jim." Simon gestured his friend to sit down. "You're leaving shortly, aren't you?" Simon refused to end that thought… would Jim come back?

 

"I wanted to talk to you about that," Jim remained on his feet and locked eyes with Simon, which almost looked watered. "Care to join me on my trip to Peru?"

 

Simon jumped up from his chair and marched over to Jim. He'd hoped Jim would make the offer. "You don't mind?"

 

"It's okay, Simon. I remember how hard it was on you when we found him at the fountain… you should have a chance to say goodbye." Jim saw the raw emotion in Simon's eyes and almost averted his. Had he been this selfish? He should have considered his friend's needs.

 

"Give me an hour or two to make some arrangements. What time do we leave?" Simon grabbed the phone and started to dial.

 

"Plane leaves tomorrow at noon. Want me to pick you up?" Jim offered.

 

"Sure, I'll be ready!" Simon released a relieved sigh. His biggest fear was that Jim would use this trip to Peru to disappear and this way he could watch his detective.

 

Jim nodded his head and left the captain to make his calls. Allowing Simon to come along meant a change of plans. He would have to make sure Simon had left Peru before disappearing in to the jungle.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

 

Peru

 

"Drink," Nandu stated in Chopec and lifted the bowl to his pupil's lips. "It's time for your initiation."

 

The young Shaman licked his lips. He didn't want to do this. He had learned the basic words in Chopec and he considered refusing Nandu. As he stared into the bowl he recoiled at the sight of the black liquid, which emanated a foul smell.

 

Nandu had explained the ritual to him, but he still hesitated. The Bana in the bowl caused hallucinations that would help him reach the spirit plane. After drinking it, he would be fully recognized as the tribe's new Shaman. But Nandu had also told him that the Bana could kill. The concoction contained venom from the Bushmaster and he'd barely survived the first time he'd come into contact with it.

 

"Drink," Nandu repeated in Chopec. "It's the way of the Shaman."

 

Staring at his teacher, he made a decision. He grabbed the bowl with his left hand and swallowed the bitter liquid.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Peru

 

Nandu looked after his pupil as the young Shaman set out on his journey to the spirit plane. It pleased the healer that the young man had drunk the potion without objection. Falling into a trance himself he saw the cord that bound the young Shaman to this earth. "Incacha? He's ready," Nandu whispered in Chopec and waited for his old friend to appear.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

"Shushupe…" The name echoed through the spirit plane and he replied instinctively to the name the Chopec had given him. "Yes?" It felt strange, being in this jungle. It felt surreal and yet it was terribly real! Looking about, he caught the flash of light that announced Incacha's arrival.

 

Incacha smiled at the young man. Blair no longer knew who he was and Incacha had done the thing he'd deemed best; give Blair a new life and a new name. He knew Enqueri assumed that his true guide had died, but nonetheless the Sentinel was on his way to Peru. In the meantime he would try to heal Blair's injuries, mentally and physically.

 

"Incacha?" The initiate wondered why the dead Shaman looked so familiar. Had they met before, except for that short moment in the jungle?

 

"Shushupe." Incacha smiled. "You didn't come here alone."

 

Surprised, he looked about. "I don't see anyone."

 

"Look down," Incacha instructed in an amused tone.

 

He did and recoiled at the sight of the Bushmaster that was about to curl itself around his legs. Terrified, he remained frozen, unable to move.

 

"It's a friend," Incacha said. "Shushupe chose you. Don't fear him."

 

Unable to speak, his body trembled with fear. This couldn't be happening all over again. The snake would bite him and this time he would die!

 

"Sit," Incacha instructed and gave the example by sitting down beneath a tree.

 

"I can't," he stuttered. The sight of the snake paralysed him.

 

"Shushupe, retreat," Incacha instructed and reluctantly the snake slithered away from them, watching them from a distance.

 

His knees gave out and he collapsed onto the damp earth. "Why is the snake here?" Why couldn't the animal leave him alone?

 

"You need to let go of your fear, young Shaman. Shushupe will protect you." Incacha gestured the snake to come a little closer.

 

Transfixed on the snake Blair's body tensed. "I don't want to do this."

 

"You made your decision when you drank the potion. Now, follow through," Incacha chided him gently, remembering the time when he'd been initiated himself. He'd been terrified too, in spite of the fact that the old Shaman had taken him in when he'd been little.

 

The snake continued to creep closer and he had to use all his courage not to back away from it. "Incacha?" he said pleadingly, but the Shaman only gave him a firm look. He took a deep breath when the Bushmaster made contact with his body. "I can't do this."

 

"Yes, you can," Incacha encouraged him and watched contentedly as the snake curled up in Blair's lap. When he'd met Sandburg for the first time Incacha had recognized the sign of Shaman on the young student. Now it was time for Blair to go on that journey. The young man had left behind his former life and was now Shushupe, the new Shaman of the Chopec.

 

He kept perfectly still as the snake settled down in his lap. He couldn't believe that this was really happening! The snake rested its head on his knee and closed those venomous yellow eyes. "Incacha? Please?"

 

"You're doing well, young one," Incacha praised him.

 

"I still don't like this. Can't you make it go away?" Pleadingly, he locked eyes with Incacha. The snake seemed relaxed and didn't move, but he didn't trust the animal.

 

"It won't bite you again," Incacha explained, remembering the lessons his old Shaman had taught him so many years ago. "You befriended it. Try to gently stroke its head. The snake likes that."

 

His hand shook with fear as he raised it. "I don't think that's a smart thing to do, Incacha." He wavered, but in the end his fingertips glided over the scales. Still the snake didn't react, and encouraged, he continued to touch it. His fear was growing less, but he still expected it to lash out at him. "I don't trust the snake."

 

"But it trusts you," Incacha said patiently. He had to keep in mind that Blair had never had a teacher who'd taught him the ancient ways. "Now, listen carefully, young Shaman. You're going on a journey."

 

His eyes quickly locked with Incacha. "With you?"

 

"No, you have to go on this trip alone, but soon someone will join you," Incacha hinted, knowing Jim was already on his way. "But first, look south and follow the path of the serpent curled up in your lap. Shed your past so it will no longer hold you back."

 

He listened to Incacha's entrancing voice and stared at the snake. "I don't remember my past."

 

Incacha smiled. "You're already on the right path. Now try to find the path of the Jaguar. Lose your fear and face death. You faced it many times before, now let go of your fear."

 

"I'm still afraid of death," he whispered. "Sometimes at night I feel like I'm drowning."

 

Incacha nodded his head. "You drowned, now let go of the fear." Incacha felt the change in his pupil. Blair was letting go. He's healing.

 

Pleased, Incacha continued. "Look north and find the dragon. I'm here to teach you the wisdom of the ancients. You already possess knowledge, now allow it to guide you."

 

Although he tried to understand what Incacha was really saying, he felt lost. But he remained quiet, realizing that this was part of his initiation.

 

"And then, young Shaman, you'll find the path of the eagle. You still have to complete this journey. You have to return to the one you love. You'll guide him, like you did in the past."

 

"The one I love?" he asked confused. "Whom do I love?" He tried hard to remember what had happened before the crash but couldn't. His mind was blank.

 

"His name's Enqueri. You'll know him when he comes to the village. He's already on his way. Enqueri will make a very important decision when he finds you."

 

"I'm a guide… " he whispered softly. "This Enqueri… is he a Sentinel like Nahu?" He didn't even wonder why it didn't bother him that he was supposed to be in love with a man.

 

"Yes, he's a Sentinel and he needs you." Incacha closely observed Blair. The young man looked puzzled and his left hand still stroked the Bushmaster's head. "Let your heart guide you when Enqueri finds you."

 

He nodded his head. "I'll do my best."

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

"You did well!" Nandu praised the young Shaman. "Now we need to get you ready so the tribe can pay you homage." Nandu helped the younger man to sit upright.

 

He nodded weakly. The hallucinations featuring Incacha drifted at the edges of his mind and focusing on the real world was hard. He barely registered what Nandu was doing and let the healer apply the battle paint to his chest and face.

 

Nandu used red and white paint to draw the traditional images on the younger man's chest and face and switched to black when he reached the Shaman's arms.

 

He watched Nandu and felt like he still hadn't returned to his body. Nandu was tending to someone else, not him!

 

"Easy, Shushupe. The visions left you weak. Let me do this." Nandu straightened out the young man's leather skirt and added a belt. Attached to the belt where tiny bones, feathers and a knife so the young Shaman could defend himself.

 

Nandu moved on to his hair and confused Blair asked, "What are you doing?"

 

"Honoring our new Shaman." Nandu opened a small jar and coated his fingers with the black substance, which he worked into the young man's hair. He braided the strands closest to his Shaman's face and then opened another small jar filled with a red substance and kneaded it into the rest of the hair. "You're ready."

 

"Ready for what?" he asked and held onto the healer as Nandu pulled him to his feet. Nandu handed him his staff and he grabbed it tightly. "I can barely stay on my feet!"

 

"It's almost over, Shushupe. The tribe needs to see you now that you've survived the potion." Nandu guided him outside and supported him while the tribe elders approached first.

 

Surprised, he noticed that it had turned dark while he'd been out. How long had he been out anyway? He nodded his head as the elders placed fruit and flowers at his feet and then he spoke the ancient blessing. Then followed the warriors who held out their spears, arrows and bows for him to bless. Acting on ancient instinct he spoke the words and waited for the last group to approach.

 

The women walked up to him slowly, and reverently waited for his blessing. Some of them wanted children, some prayed for their husbands and then he caught sight of the young woman Nahu was in love with. Nahu stood to his right, ready to catch him should he faint. This might be the only chance he would get and he gestured the girl to come closer. A soft murmur went through the Chopec, but an elderly woman urged the girl forward.

 

"What's your name?" he asked in Chopec.

 

"Varaze," she replied and quickly peeked at Nahu. She was scared. Why had the new Shaman singled her out?

 

When he heard her voice he recognized the guide tone. It was the tone he used to pull Nahu from a zone out. He smiled wickedly. "Nahu, come over here." It still surprised him that the Chopec obeyed him. During the last five weeks he'd realized that his word was law to the Chopec. They wouldn't dare deny him!

 

Nahu stepped forward and wished he knew what his friend and Shaman was doing. Varaze looked like she was about to faint. Her biggest fear had always been that the tribe would declare her an outcast.

 

"Listen," the young Shaman said and waited until he had everyone's attention. "These two belong together!" He gently took hold of Nahu and Varaze's hands and joined them. "It's my will that they will always stay together… Sentinel and guide." He smiled at them and caught Varaze's sigh. He'd terrified her, but he'd seen no other way to do this.

 

"And now I want to rest." He was about to turn around when something warm and heavy slithered around his feet, making its way up his left leg. As he looked down fear almost overwhelmed him. A Bushmaster was sneaking up his body and before he knew it, the snake's head rested on his shoulder.

 

A scared murmur rose from the Chopec and some dropped to their knees to praise their new Shaman.

 

He just tried to hang onto his fragile control and followed Nandu inside. The healer helped the younger man to lie down.

 

"Rest," Nandu decreed and made sure his Shaman was comfortable. "The ancient spirits will watch over you."

 

Barely hearing Nandu's words he closed his eyes. Exhausted, his body shut down and he drifted off into sleep.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

"Jim? Did you rent a car?" Simon inquired as he followed Jim outside. The flight had been right on time and they were on schedule. They rent a car to get to the crash site. Simon had obtained a map and had marked the site.

 

"I'll take care of it. Stay here." Jim disappeared into the small office.

 

Simon shook his head, disliking the change in Jim. Ever since the plane had landed Jim Ellison acted mechanically and Simon knew that an emotional outburst would follow shortly. It would probably happen once they had reached the crash site. Simon wiped the sweat from his brow and didn't look forward to making his way through the jungle. When Jim didn't return, he grabbed his duffle bag and walked into the office. Jim was still there all right, but was staring at a bundle. "Jim?"

 

"They left this for me," Jim said softly. Emotionlessly he accepted the car key and gestured Simon to follow him outside. He felt like he was going to suffocate. "They found these things at the crash site and they had Blair's name on it," Jim explained. "When they heard I was coming they decided not to send it by mail to Cascade. They left it here for me instead."

 

Simon noticed the way Jim's hands trembled. "Let's sit down," he said calmly and slid his fingers around the car key before Jim dropped it. They found a bench in the arrival hall and Simon watched silently as Jim opened the package.

 

"Shit, his journal," Jim whispered. The corners of the book were scorched and the stench of smoke clung to it. "Blair left it to Naomi, but I've got no idea where to find her. I'll send it to Blair's lawyer."

 

Simon placed a comforting hand on Jim's shoulder. "Are you going to read it?"

 

Jim opened the journal and quickly went to the last entry. "He stopped writing after he left Cascade," Jim realized. "No, I don't think I'll read it." He closed it and made a mental note to send it to Cascade before leaving for the crash site.

 

"What else is in there?" Simon inquired as Jim uncovered a second book. 

 

"It's his book, Simon," Jim whispered reverently. "The Sentinels of Paraguay."

 

Simon swallowed the sadness that had built in his throat. "It's yours now? Or did Blair leave it to Naomi as well?"

 

"No, it isn't on the list. Blair wanted me to have it." Jim caressed the partly burned book. "It's amazing that it survived. I thought the fire had consumed it."

 

"Maybe his backpack was catapulted from the plane?" Simon suggested and squeezed Jim's shoulder. "Anything else?"

 

"Yes," Jim uncovered two small medicine bottles. "The meds they gave him after he left the hospital. He signed himself out to go to Sierra Verde."

 

"Do you want to get going or…?" Simon offered silent support while Jim pressed the journal and book to his chest.

 

"I'll mail the journal to Finch and then we can leave." Determinedly, Jim got to his feet and walked over to the small post office.

 

Simon shook his head. Jim didn't intended to go home with him. The signs were all there. Jim was saying goodbye to the world.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

"Simon?" Jim had asked Simon to drive the last stretch as he no longer trusted his own reflexes. They were approaching the crash site and the prospect of finding Blair's grave made him apprehensive.

 

"Yes?" Simon briefly looked at his friend, but then concentrated on the road again. Well, road was too nice a word.

 

"I won't go back to Cascade," Jim announced.

 

Simon nodded his head. "I know… why do you think I jumped when you asked me to come along? I'm not letting you out of my sight!"

 

"You can't stop me, Simon," Jim said in a sad tone. "It took me some time to realize, but a Sentinel can't live without his guide."

 

"You're no longer a Sentinel," Simon pointed out to him.

 

Jim's face turned into a grimace when he finally voiced the truth. "I can't live without Blair."

 

Simon released a deep sigh. "Let's not jump to conclusions, all right?" But he knew Jim was right. He just didn't want to admit it, because it meant losing another good friend.

 

"We're getting close," Jim said as he read the map. "We'll have to go on foot from here on."

 

Simon and Jim got out of the jeep and made their way through the jungle. Jim froze in his tracks when he caught the first glimpse of the crashed plane, which had stayed behind in the jungle. "Simon, oh my God…" Jim whimpered. "Look at that!"

 

Simon understood what Jim was going through. "Jim? Can you do this?" He fell into step beside Jim.

 

"I've got to do this," Jim said resolved. His instincts took over and he approached the plane to examine it. The interior had been devastated by fire and the cockpit had been catapulted several feet away from the rest of the plane. "No one could survive this." The blood in Jim's veins froze as he discovered the grave beneath the trees. A cross, made from two branches, marked it. Jim rushed over to it and then his strength left him. He dropped to his knees and buried his hands in the cool earth. "I'm so sorry, Blair. This is my fault," he whispered upset.

 

Simon followed Jim, but felt at a loss. What could he say that would comfort his friend? Nothing.

 

"If I hadn't kicked you out you would have had a place to come home to. But I took that away from you. I unpacked your things, but it's too late. I'm so sorry, baby."

 

Simon swallowed hard, hearing Jim's shaky tone. The 'baby' got to him. He bet Jim had never said it when Sandburg had been alive. In the end, he sat on his heels beside his friend. "Jim? Come on, Ellison. Blair would want you to carry on."

 

"I don't care, Simon. It should have been me in that grave, not Blair!"

 

Thunderstruck Simon grabbed Jim's shoulders and forced Ellison to look at him. "That's nonsense and if Blair were here he would kick your ass for even thinking it. Blair's plane crashed. That's the truth!"

 

It was then that Simon realized how strong Jim's death wish was. "Don't you dare die on me, Jim! I already lost one friend!"

 

When Jim looked up he had finally calmed down. "Can I have a moment alone here?"

 

"You’re not going to run, you hear? I'll be watching you!" Simon walked over to the plane to give Jim the privacy he wanted.

 

Jim's eyes followed Simon until he was satisfied that his friend could no longer hear him. Then he looked at the grave. "Blair, I want you to know that I love you and that I regret never… seeing you, truly seeing you. I took you for granted and only now when it's too late, I realize how much you mean to me."

 

Jim ignored the birds and other animals that moved around him. Saying goodbye to Blair was too important. "Blair, I guess you somehow took my senses with you. I miss them, but most of all I miss you. After I brought you back from the dead I turned my back on you. I should have been there for you, like you always were for me." This little speech took a lot out of him and he sighed heavily. "I decided to stay in Peru. I'm not going back. Simon knows and doesn't approve. But there's nothing for me to go home to. I want to stay here with you."

 

Simon caught some of Jim's words and his concern grew. He couldn't let this happen, but did he have the right to stop Jim? Jim was entitled to make his own decisions.

 

Jim got back to his feet and stared at the grave. It was Blair's last resting place. As he looked up, he had to shield his eyes from the sun and suddenly scents and noises assaulted him, sending a piercing pain through his skull. Jim clutched his head in his hands and he staggered on his feet. His back hit a tree trunk and he used it to steady himself.

 

"Jim? What's wrong?" Simon hurried over to his friend, hearing the pain filled moans. Had Jim finally lost it? "Talk to me, detective!"

 

"It's the sun… the sounds… too many scents…" Jim whimpered shocked. "My senses… are back…"

 

"What the hell's going on here?" Simon cursed and steadied Jim as the Sentinel sat down. He pushed Jim's back against the tree to secure some support. "Your senses are back?"

 

"Don't understand… why," Jim stuttered and tried to use the dials like Blair had taught him years ago. "It hurts!" The dials were spinning like crazy and he couldn't dial it down. His senses were out of control. 

 

"Jim, what do I do?" Simon felt helpless.

 

"The Chopec…" Jim mumbled. "They must be close… tell them Enqueri needs them… use that name, Enqueri…" It was his only chance. Maybe someone could help him.

 

"I'll try to find them," Simon promised and took off his coat. He covered Jim with it and then rose to his feet. "I'll be back," he said and then marched into the direction Jim had pointed him in.

 

The noise in his head was getting worse. Instead of hearing the animals that were moving in the jungle, Jim now registered a firm chanting. He recognized the language. Yes, the Chopec had to be close!

 

Enqueri, find your Shaman! He can help!

 

Incacha's voice slammed into his mind and Jim winced. Please make the pain stop!

 

Shushupe can make it stop! Go to the village and find the Shaman!

 

Incacha's voice faded and Jim used the tree trunk to get back to his feet. Staggering, he disappeared into the jungle.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Simon struggled through the bushes and tried hard to maintain his balance when he tripped over some tree's roots. "Damn!" he cursed angrily. He should have stopped Jim, but the man had been too determined. "How can his senses be back?" he screamed at the jungle. "He doesn't have someone to guide him!"

 

"Who are you?"

 

Simon spun around and almost tackled the young Chopec that stood hidden behind the bushes. "I need to find the Chopec. Jim… Enqueri sends me," he corrected himself.

 

"I'm Nahu," he introduced himself. "Where's Enqueri?" Nahu was excited. This would be the first time that he would meet a full Sentinel! When Incacha had still been alive, the Shaman had told him about the Sentinel. "I can help," he offered in an effort to convince Simon.

 

Simon wavered. "Fine," he said eventually and gestured Nahu to follow him.

 

"What's wrong with Enqueri?" He knew from own experience that being a Sentinel brought dangers with it.

 

Simon realized that this young Chopec knew Jim's secret. "His senses returned."

 

"They'd left?" Nahu whispered stunned.

 

"Yes, after his guide died." Simon looked about, trying to remember where he'd left Jim.

 

"Be quiet," Nahu commanded and used his sense of hearing to hone in on the third heartbeat. "He's moving." Relieved that he hadn't zoned, he signaled Simon to follow him.

 

Simon realized what had happened and whom he was dealing with. "You're a Sentinel too?"

 

"No, not entirely," Nahu admitted. "But we can talk later. First we have to take Enqueri to our Shaman. Shushupe can help him regain control."

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Jim swayed on his feet as he made his way through the jungle. Somehow his senses cooperated long enough for him to hone in on the Chopec village. As he stumbled towards the first hut, he called out. The sound of his voice crashed tenfold back to his ears and he trembled with sensory overload. "Help me," he whispered in Chopec and grabbed the first warrior he encountered.

 

"Shusphupe." The warrior understood and steadied their former Sentinel as they made their way to the Shaman's hut.

 

Jim fell inside and his chin hit the earth first. His world spun and he elbowed himself into a sitting position as he began to throw up. The pitiful retching echoed through the hut and suddenly hands grabbed his waist, pulled him upright and soothed him when he emptied his stomach. Briefly, he felt embarrassed because he was defiling the Shaman's home, but he couldn't stop the dry heaves that now tormented him.

 

"Help me," Jim whispered. Cool and gentle hands rubbed his back and he collapsed against the warm body that supported him. "Help me…"

 

"Enqueri… I'll care for you."

 

The voice tore at his heart. It couldn't be… Had he developed a fever? He couldn't be hearing those words… that voice. Too scared to hope that this was really happening he cocked his head to look at the Shaman.

 

"It's okay… you're safe. Listen to my voice, Enqueri. It'll keep you safe."

 

"Blair?" Jim whispered shocked as he stared into the blue eyes he loved so much. The fact that Blair was wearing battle paint and that his hair was black and red confused him, but he would always recognize those heavenly blue eyes.

 

"Blair?" The name died on his lips as his senses short-circuited on Blair's presence. He fainted.

 

Concerned, he looked at the Sentinel in his arms. "You must be Enqueri," he told the unconscious man. "Incacha told me you would come. I'll look after you… guide you…" He beckoned the healer to come closer. Together they carried Jim to the back of the hut and lay him down on the furs.

 

Awkwardly, he sat down beside the Sentinel, cursing his useless knee. "Our journey will start now," he whispered and rested his hand on Jim's chest. "And we'll go on it together."

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Peru

 

"Enqueri returned to the village," Nahu informed Simon. "We'd better head back too."

 

"Are you sure?" Simon asked doubtfully. "He was in a lot of pain when I left him." Simon studied the Chopec Sentinel. "I never thought I would find a Sentinel here." Hopefully Nahu wouldn't turn out to be another Alex Barnes, trying to kill Jim.

 

"Incacha told me many things about Enqueri and I look forward to meeting him." Nahu guided Simon through the forest. "Our Shaman can certainly help him," he remarked, remembering Simon's earlier comments. "I can't imagine being without my four heightened senses."

 

"Four?" Simon stored this information away for later. "Do you have a guide? Because that's why Jim lost his senses. His guide died."

 

"I've got a guide now. Her name's Varaze. We're in love... I think that's why she can guide me." Nahu was still grateful that their new Shaman had decreed they should marry. The elders no longer had a choice and had given in.

 

"You think that's it?" Simon followed Nahu. In the distance he saw the village.

 

"Yes," Nahu confirmed. "There has to be love between the Sentinel and the true guide. I'm not a full Sentinel, but I still need someone to pull me from my zone outs."

 

Simon grinned. "You zone too?"

 

"Yes, too many times," Nahu smiled in return. "Do you want to speak to the elders?"

 

"Where do you think Jim went?" Simon noticed the weary expression in the eyes of the Chopec. They seemed reserved and distant and Simon couldn't blame them. He was a stranger.

 

"I'll ask." Nahu talked to one of the warriors and then he returned to Simon. "They took Enqueri to the Shaman."

 

"Then I want to talk to the Shaman." Simon mentally prepared himself for the confrontation. Hopefully, the Shaman would let him talk to Jim. He had to know that his friend was doing better. He still couldn't explain the sudden return of Jim's senses and feared things would go downhill from now on, as Jim didn't have a guide.

 

Nahu walked Simon to the Shaman's hut. "Wait here. I'll talk to Shushupe first."

 

Nahu disappeared inside and Simon paced in front of the hut. Two small boys stared at him and he smiled. Hesitantly, they smiled back. It still surprised him that Jim had lived here.

 

"Shushupe will see you now," Nahu announced and pushed back the curtain so Simon could enter.

 

Inside the hut it was dark. A small fire burned in the center of the hut and a Chopec tended it. Was this the Shaman? A quick nod from Nahu confirmed it was. "Shushupe?" Simon said hesitantly, wondering how to communicate with the Shaman now that Nahu had left the hut. He didn't speak or understand their language!

 

"What do you want?"

 

Simon blinked. "You know my language?" That would make things a lot easier. But that voice… it sounded familiar… almost like Blair's, but that was impossible. As he studied the Shaman he immediately noticed the colored hair and the necklace made of bones. He couldn't see the Shaman's face and that annoyed him. He wanted to look the man in the eyes! "Is Jim here? You know him as Enqueri." Simon had to sit down. The ceiling of the hut was too low and his back already ached. He startled as a snake appeared and slithered towards the Shaman. "There's a snake…"

 

"It won't harm you," the young Shaman said and allowed the snake to curl itself around his left arm. "Enqueri's safe. I'll care for him."

 

That voice! Simon almost leaped to his feet, but realized he would slam his head into the wooden ceiling and remained seated. "Blair?" he whispered baffled. Damn, it was Blair's voice! He'd been right! Finally the Shaman looked up at him and a multitude of feelings coursed through Simon. He felt relief and an incredible joy to find Blair alive, but… "Why this masquerade? Come on, Blair. It's me!" But the expression in those blue eyes was blank. "Why the war paint?"

 

"Enqueri called me Blair as well. Why? Who's Blair?" Mystified, he moved his cramped leg. His cracked knee throbbed. Studying the stranger, he realized the man's eyes were swimming.

 

"You are Blair!" Simon exclaimed horrified. "You don't remember?"

 

"My name's Shushupe," he explained. "I'm the Shaman. I don't know this Blair or you."

 

Simon studied Blair more closely. His body was painted in different colors, depicting spirals and other shapes. The hair was braided, shining in black and red. The necklace of bones unnerved Simon, but the snake's bahavior baffled him most. It was resting comfortably on Blair's lap. "Do you remember the plane going down?" 

Shocked, Simon tried to control his feelings. He wanted to jump up and hug Blair, chide the man for letting them think that he'd died in the crash, but Blair didn't remember him. Then his thoughts drifted off to Jim and he sighed blissfully. Blair was still alive and now Jim had a reason to live.

 

"I remember the plane crash. The Chopec found me and took me in. I don't remember what happened before the crash." Without realizing it his hand started to stroke the snake's head. "Did I know you?"

 

"I'm Simon Banks," he started all over again. "We work together."

 

"Work?" he repeated surprised. Was this man insane or did Banks really know him? Confused, he bit his lower lip. He'd never thought he would learn his former identity.

 

"Yes, you're an observer and anthropologist. You guided Jim, helped him with his senses…" Simon nodded his head. "So that's why they came back online!" It must have been Blair's closeness.

 

"Enqueri… Jim," he corrected himself and wondered why that name felt right, "Jim lost his senses?"

 

"Yes, after we left Sierra Verde." Simon noticed the involuntary flinch that washed through Blair's body. "You know that name."

 

Sierra Verde… the name caused a cold ache in his heart and he stared at Simon. "I don't know it."

 

"You do. Come on, Blair! What's going on? Why are you dressed like this?" Simon was losing his patience.

 

"My name's Shushupe and I'm the tribe's Shaman." He started to get to his feet, but his knee twisted and he lost his balance.

 

Simon registered the hiss of pain and moved to support Blair. However, he backed off when the snake lashed out at him. "Easy there!" he said cautiously. "Call back your pet, Sandburg."

 

That name made him flinch. He did know that name. "Blair Sandburg…?"

 

"That's your name, kid." Simon tried again and this time the snake allowed him to steady Blair. "You got injured in that crash?"

 

"Yes, my knee and my hand are useless."

 

Compassionately, Simon's eyes checked on the useless right hand. "Maybe they can fix it back home."

 

"This is home," he said wearily. "Please leave now. I need to look after Enqueri."

 

"His name's Jim, Blair." Simon stood his ground and didn't move. "Blair? Look at me?"

 

Still fighting this revelation, he refused. "Leave," he commanded.

 

The snake's rattle made Simon retreat to the corner. "Blair? I know this must be a shock, but listen. Jim thinks you're dead. When he regains consciousness and sees you…"

 

His eyes sought out Simon's. "How do I know you're speaking the truth? That I'm really this Blair Sandburg," he questioned, leaning heavily on his staff. His head was reeling and he didn't know what to think of Simon's revelation. He loved the Chopec and had found a home here.

 

Simon wondered how to convince Blair, but then reached for his pocket and withdrew his wallet. "Here, we went fishing some time ago." Simon handed Blair the picture.

 

His useless right hand trembled as Simon pushed it into his numb fingers. His eyes fixed on the faces. "It's true," he whispered in a pained tone. He recognized Simon and Enqueri's face, and finally his own. "My name's Blair?"

 

"I guess the Chopec didn't know who you were and… they tried to give you a new identity."

 

Feeling torn, Blair continued to stare at the picture. "Can I keep it?"

 

"Sure, kid." Simon released the breath he'd been holding. Blair had taken the first step. "Where's Jim?"

 

"Enqueri's resting," he replied thoughtfully. Incacha had mentioned that he would have to choose shortly and that Enqueri would join him on his journey. Did that mean he had to leave the Chopec? Inwardly torn, he used his staff to walk outside and showed Simon to another hut. "Nandu's with him."

 

Now that they were outside Simon had a chance to study the changes Blair had gone through. Sandburg had lost weight, but didn't look too bad. Well, it was kind of hard to tell because Blair's body was covered with war paint. Blair's limp however worried him and Sandburg's right hand hung useless down his side.

 

He gestured Simon to step inside. "You'd better sit with Enqueri." Suddenly, everything he'd thought he'd known had become twisted. Who was Blair Sandburg? Confused, he stepped back.

 

Simon peeked inside and felt relieved when he saw that Jim was resting on some furs. The Sentinel seemed comfortable and sound asleep. "No, he needs to see you, Blair."

 

"My name's Shushupe," he said stubbornly.

 

Simon understood some of Blair's confusion and said, "You can be both, Blair. Take the time you need, but… Jim needs to know you're alive."

 

"He cared for me?" he asked, puzzled, as his eyes caressed the Sentinel's face.

 

Simon jumped into the deep end. "He loves you." Jim could kill him later. He refused to stand by and let the past repeat itself. If he had to play matchmaker, he would! He'd seen what Blair's death had done to Jim and these two men deserved better.

 

"Loves me?" Confused, his glance shifted from Simon to Jim. "Incacha told me I loved Enqueri too. Were we lovers?"

 

Simon couldn't lie. "No, but Jim wanted you to be his lover. He just never realized that."

 

"He thought I'd died?"

 

"Yes, when we heard about the crash you were confirmed dead. Jim never recovered."

 

"My name's Blair and this is Jim? He wants me as his lover?" Looking for help, he stared at Simon. "And we worked together?"

 

"Jim and I are cops. You're his guide." Simon realized it would be a long time before Blair would believe him.

 

Blair… my name's Blair. And Enqueri…no, Jim loves me.

 

"Shushupe?"

 

He nodded his head as Nandu walked up to him. "Look after our guest?" he asked the healer in their native tongue. "Simon? Nandu will show you a place where you can rest. You know where to find Enqueri… Jim."

 

Simon placed a hesitant hand on Blair's shoulder, intrigued by the feel of the war paint beneath his fingers. "Go easy on Jim. He'll probably be very upset when he sees you. He might think you're a ghost."

 

"I understand," he replied and watched as Nandu walked Simon to the guest quarters. Stepping inside, he moved to where Jim was resting and awkwardly sat down. Then he rested his staff against the wall. The Bushmaster slithered away from him, hungry and eager to feed. "I'm Blair Sandburg," he said, tasting the name. "But I'm also Shushupe." Feeling lost, he rested his left hand on the Sentinel's brow, hiding his useless right hand from view. No matter what name he would chose to go by, he would always remain a Shaman. He couldn't and wouldn't leave his chosen path. "Can I be Blair, the Shaman?" he wondered puzzled.

 

The Sentinel beside him stirred in his sleep and he reacted at once by soothingly stroking the feverish brow. "I'm here, Jim. You can rest now."

 

Jim stirred, hearing the familiar voice. "Blair?" Don't leave me," he whispered in his sleep. Even deeply asleep, too many noises, scents and lights pierced his head. Jim's hand reached up and caught Blair's. "Stay."

 

Unable to deny such a direct request, Blair moved closer and pulled the Sentinel onto his lap. It took him some effort but he managed to wrap both his arms around Jim. "Go to sleep. Incacha and I are watching over you. I'll stay," he promised and rocked the older man slightly.

 

As he studied Jim's knitted brow, he realized he did love the Sentinel. His heart pounded madly and his body echoed with life. Keeping in mind what Simon had told him, he whispered in a soft tone, "I'm alive, Jim." Instinctively, he knew that the Sentinel would register those words. "Am I your true guide?" In that case he was bound to guide this Sentinel as long as he lived. That was a frightening prospect as he didn't really know this man. "Shst, you're safe, Jim. You're with the Chopec. I'll keep you safe. Try to…" Try what? He wondered what he had wanted to say. "Try to use the dials?" What were dials and why would Jim need them?

 

"Chief… please stay with me. Don't leave." Jim blindly grabbed at Blair, trying to hold onto his guide. "I can't lose you again."

 

He swallowed hard. "You're not going to lose me." He would set aside his own needs to guide this Sentinel. It was his destiny to guide Jim and a Shaman had to obey the ancient laws.

 

Jim slowly struggled to consciousness, craving the warmth beneath his hands. He couldn't let go of that voice and wanted to hear Blair speak, lecture and ramble. It didn't matter what Blair said, as long as the younger man talked. Feeling safe and cared for Jim left the darkness behind and found the dials. Remembering Blair's instructions, he dialed them down until the sensory overload was gone. He'd wanted his heightened senses back so badly and now that he had them, he felt tired because of the effort it took to control them.

 

"You can open your eyes," Blair knew instinctively. "The light can no longer hurt you. The level of noise is normal again too, isn't it?" He'd felt the change in the Sentinel's body.

 

Slowly, Jim opened his eyes. It took him a moment to realize how dark it was inside the hut. "Where am I?"

 

"With the Chopec."

 

The voice finally hit Jim, realizing this wasn't a dream at all. Suddenly he found himself in Blair's arms, being rocked and soothed. "Blair?" he whispered in disbelief.

 

He shook his head. "I don't remember Blair. The Chopec found me after the plane crashed and… "

 

Jim cut him short. "You're alive!" he exclaimed stunned. "My God, you're alive!" He raised his hands to touch Blair's red and black hair. "What did they do to you?" Jim didn't give Blair a chance to answer. He grabbed Blair and pulled him into a tight hug, embracing him like his life depended on it, and maybe it did. "Blair, Blair," he mumbled the name and deeply inhaled his partner's scent. Blair was real! Blair was alive. "Don't you ever scare me like that again!" he exploded suddenly and clutched Blair's head in his hands. "For these last six weeks we thought you were dead!"

 

Speechless he stared into Jim's eyes. "I didn't know," he whispered awkwardly.

 

"Damn it, Chief!" Jim used his senses to scan Blair and found a racing heartbeat. Then his eyes encountered the limp hand that rested against Blair's chest. "Chief, what did you do?"

 

"Some metal got stuck in it… it hurt for a long time. Now it's numb," he replied honestly.

 

"And your leg?" Jim noticed the awkward way Blair's leg rested on the floor. "We need to get you to a hospital. Chief, I still got your meds in my duffle bag!" Jim couldn't believe that his partner was still alive and ran his fingers over the younger man's body. The war paint caused a strange sensation beneath his fingertips, but finally reassured, he settled for holding Blair tight. "You're alive," he kept repeating.

 

"Yes, I'm alive, Jim." Blair allowed the hold and didn't try to move away. From the corner of his eye he caught the snake's return.

 

But Jim heard the scales move over the floor as well and jumped to his feet, ready to defend Blair.

 

"Jim, Shushupe's a friend… Don't hurt him."

 

Stunned, Jim looked Blair in the eyes. "What?"

 

"Shushupe's my protector." Blair wondered how to explain this to the Sentinel. "It chose me. I'm the tribe's new Shaman."

 

Jim sank down onto the floor, watching in disbelief as the snake sneaked up Blair's left arm. "Blair, don't move. The Bushmaster's the most dangerous snake in the Amazon." Was this why he'd dreamed of the snake?

 

"Enqueri," Blair said and his tone changed. "Shushupe presents no danger."

 

Jim's eyes grew big. Until a moment ago he hadn't fully realized that Blair believed he was a Chopec Shaman. "Blair, you're not a Shaman."

 

"I am," he replied steadfast. "Incacha helped me pass the initiation rite."

 

"Incacha?" Jim whispered. "Why don't you start at the beginning?"

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

One hour later Jim stared at Blair in utter confusion. From what Blair had told him, he realized that Incacha had made him the tribe's new Shaman all right. It infuriated him that they had told Blair to drink the Bana. Blair could have died! They sat silently once Blair had told his tale. They weren't touching any longer and Jim tried to understand what Blair was going through. "You don't remember living in Cascade?"

 

"No," Blair said apologetically. "I only remember stumbling away from the plane."

 

"Blair," Jim whispered and tried to calm down his pounding heart. "Can I hold you?" He hoped Blair would get his memory back, but the most important thing was that Blair was sitting here beside him.

 

Blair nodded hesitantly and gathered the snake in his hands, telling it to leave them alone. The snake looked disappointed, but obeyed.

 

Jim watched it slither outside and moved in closer to Blair. First, he cradled Blair's right hand against his chest and then embraced him. "I need to tell you something very important."

 

Blair remained perfectly quiet, somehow realizing how important this was. He didn't really know the man who was holding him, but recognized the attraction on a more primal level. I trust him…

 

"Blair, I never told you how important you are to me," Jim said determinedly and his eyes never let go of Blair's. "I took you for granted in the past, but it'll never happen again. I need you to guide me. I'll always need you. I can't live without you." He expected Blair to speak, but the younger man remained quiet. "I only admitted that to myself after I thought you'd died. He stared into Blair's impossible blue eyes and then spoke the words he'd never thought he would speak. "I love you, Blair. I want us to be lovers."

 

Blair shifted uncomfortably. "I don't remember you," he started, "I don't know who I was… who I am. I need time."

 

Thunderstruck, Jim stared at him. Had Blair just rejected him? "Blair?"

 

"If it's our destiny to become lovers, we will. But for now I need to find out who I am. Who you are and who Simon is. I'll always be there for you, Enqueri." He shook his head, "Jim, I need time."

 

"I'm an insensitive bastard," Jim said in self loathing and started to release Blair. "I completely forgot that you lost your memory."

 

Blair smiled reassuringly. "You're not… a bastard," Blair replied knowingly. "But you're incredibly relieved that I'm alive."

 

"Yes!" Jim caught Blair's eyes. "I love the outfit, Chief."

 

"Why do you call me Chief?" Blair folded Jim's arms back around him. He was acting on pure instinct here, hoping he was getting everything right.

 

"It's your nickname," Jim explained. "So they made you a Shaman?"

 

"Yes." Hesitantly, he rested his head on Jim's shoulder. "Who am I?"

 

Jim swallowed hard. Of all the things he'd expected to encounter here in the jungle, he'd never counted on finding Blair, alive and whole. Well, the doctors would fix the wrist and knee once they got back to Cascade and then he would pamper his soon to be lover. "You're compassionate and you care a lot about others. You saved my life and the people we work with miss you. You're a teacher and the best friend I ever had. You're smart, Blair. You're a grad student working on your thesis." A terrible burden had been lifted from his shoulders as he cradled Blair in his arms. "You'll get all the time you need to remember the past."

 

"Simon mentioned a place called Sierra Verde? Why does it sound familiar?" Blair trembled as Jim's fingers caressed the back of his neck.

 

"That's where we got separated." Jim didn't want to discuss the fiasco at the temple right now. Blair would remember everything in time and he already feared that moment. "Where's Simon?" Jim asked, trying to divert Blair's attention.

 

"Do you want to see him?" Blair pulled away and grabbed his staff. "I know where Nandu took him."

 

"Does your knee still hurt?" Jim helped Blair to his feet and kept an arm wrapped around his partner's waist.

 

"I can deal with it."

 

A group of Chopec had gathered to welcome their former Sentinel and Jim recognized a lot of familiar faces, but then… "Who's that?" he asked Blair.

 

"Nahu. He has 4 enhanced senses. Technically, he isn't a Sentinel. The girl's Varaze, his guide."

 

"Another Sentinel?" Jim felt incredibly protective of Blair, remembering how much Alex had hurt his lover.

 

Blair felt Jim's body tense up. "Jim, he's a friend. He saved my life, what's wrong?"

 

I can't tell you yet, Jim mused and continued to keep an eye on Nahu. He also realized that one of them would have to leave the village eventually.

 

Nahu stepped back, pulling his wife with him. Instinctively, he felt Jim's urge to defend their Shaman and respected that.

 

"Jim, don't!" Blair chided him, seeing the angry expression in the Sentinel's eyes. What was wrong with Jim?

 

"He won't hurt you," Jim choked out through gritted teeth.

 

"I know that," Blair said, confused, and halted in his tracks.

 

Jim didn't have a choice and stopped too. However, he wanted to put some distance between Blair and Nahu, just in case.

 

"Listen to me, Enqueri," Blair said firmly. "I'm safe here. We're safe here. The tribe will protect us, and Nahu's part of that tribe."

 

Blair's authoritative tone surprised Jim. "Chief, you don't understand…"

 

"I understand that you're a guest here and you'll behave accordingly!" Blair shook his head. "I don't understand you."

 

Jim smiled and decided that he liked the determination that shone from Blair's eyes. Incacha had used a similar tone to berate him. "I'll behave."

 

"Good, and now we'll visit your friend." Blair pointed out a hut to Jim. "Simon's in there."

 

Jim marched toward the hut, but then realized that Blair couldn't walk that fast. He saw the lines etched onto Blair's brow beneath the war paint and slowed down. Supporting Blair, they finally reached the hut. "Simon?" he called out.

 

"Jim!" Simon stormed outside, trying to shake off a young woman that had been fussing over him. "I'm so glad to see the both of you!" he stated pleased. Yes, Blair and Jim looked good together. "Did the two of you talk?"

 

"I know what happened," Jim said quickly. "Blair explained everything to me." Proud, he nodded his head. "He's a Shaman now, Simon. The tribe fully accepted him."

 

Blair's eyes told Jim not to talk about him as if he wasn't present.

 

Jim shrugged his shoulders apologetically. "Sorry, Chief."

 

Blair accepted the apology and asked Simon, "Are they treating you well?"

 

"Yes," Simon acknowledged. "So when can we head back to Cascade?"

 

Jim was eager to get Blair checked into a hospital. His wrist and knee might need surgery. "Tomorrow, Simon. We can spend the night here." He heard Blair's sharp hiss. When he locked eyes with Blair, Jim was surprised by the anger in them. "Blair?"

 

"I'm not going anywhere. This is my home!" Angrily, he shook off Jim's support and limped back to his hut. He was the tribe's Shaman! He couldn't leave them like this.

 

"Jim?" Simon said warily.

 

"I'll talk to him," Jim promised. "But convincing Blair won't be easy." He knew that because he understood. Blair had finally found a family, a place where he fit in. The Chopec wanted him, needed him and Blair reacted to that need. Jim sighed. If Blair truly was their Shaman, the Chopec wouldn't be inclined to let Blair leave.

 

The alternative was that Jim stayed here and became their Sentinel again, but Nahu was already carrying out Sentinel's duties.

 

"Blair, I'm not giving up," Jim stated and followed Blair into the Shaman's hut.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

Cautiously, Jim followed Blair into the hut. "Chief? Care to tell me what's going on?" He realized that Blair felt torn between two worlds. Maybe if Blair talked about it, things would get clearer. But as he looked at the man he loved, his stomach contracted. Blair was wearing war paint and was the tribe's official Shaman. He had finally found his destiny.

 

"I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave the village." Blair awkwardly sat down on the furs, going back to tending the fire. "I don't remember the life I led before the crash and now you want me to go back to…"

 

"Cascade, Jim supplied and sat down cross-legged next to Blair. He gently took hold of Blair's limp hand and cradled it against his chest. Suddenly, he realized he was repeating past mistakes, making Blair's decisions for him. Blair had always set aside his needs and now Jim was asking his partner to do exactly that again. "I'm sorry, Blair. This is your decision." He rubbed Blair's fingers gently. "What do you want?"

 

"I want to stay here," Blair whispered, softly. He didn't know if he could refuse Jim if the Sentinel wanted to leave right away. As his true guide, Blair had to follow his Sentinel. "This is the only home I know."

 

Jim nodded his head. Yes, he did understand. "Then we'll stay." This time Blair's needs came first. He wouldn't take Blair for granted any longer. The surprised expression in those blue eyes told Jim that Blair hadn't expected such leniency. "What about a week for now? We'll discuss going home again in one week."

 

"Thank you," Blair said truly grateful. "Maybe my memory will return in that time? Now that you're here?" He feared the return of his memory. Jim seemed tense whenever he brought it up. "Should I fear my past?"

 

"No," Jim said determinedly. "Just the mistakes I made."

 

"You made?" Blair asked, confused.

 

Commotion outside caught their attention and Jim helped Blair to his feet. Every time he saw the cracked knee or the limp hand he was reminded of his failure, of shutting Blair out when his guide had needed him most. He steadied Blair and handed him the staff. "You should give the leg some rest."

 

"Don't have the time for that," Blair said dismissively.

 

"Some things never change. Blair actually smiled, hearing that remark and Jim's heart leapt blissfully, seeing that brilliant smile he'd missed for so long.

 

When they stepped outside they found a young woman who was clutching her child in her arms. The boy couldn't be much older than four and was barely breathing. Nandu stood behind the woman, but didn't act.

 

Blair knew that it was his turn to prove himself as their new Shaman, their new healer. But he also realized that Nandu would act should he choose the wrong remedy. He fidgeted with the pouches that Nandu had attached to his belt, but his right hand refused to cooperate. "Jim?" He couldn't waste any time.

 

Jim nodded his head once and opened the pouch for Blair. "Here," he handed Blair the plants.

 

Blair selected one, rolled it in his hand so it would release its juices and then told the boy to chew on it, which the kid did. He exchanged a glance with Nandu, seeing the pleased expression. "You'll be fine," Blair assured the boy and handed the mother more of the medicine. "Give it to him at sunset."

 

The mother nodded her head and bowed thankfully. Then she grabbed her child to take it home where it could rest.

 

Jim had watched intensely and finally realized that Blair was a Shaman. Until now he'd assumed that Blair thought that he was a Shaman, but something had happened all right. The change was right in front of him, but he'd ignored it. He caught Simon's stare and walked over to the captain. "Maybe you should head back to Cascade, tell them that Blair's alive and doing well. I'll stay here a little longer."

 

"Yes, you're right. There isn't much I can do and the gang needs to know Blair's okay." He also realized that he had to contact Naomi to tell her that her son was still alive. "Are you sure about this, Jim? I can stay."

 

"I'm sure. This is something between Blair and I." Jim patted Simon's shoulder in a friendly matter. "Blair and I need to talk. Want me to make some arrangements for your trip back to the airport? One of the Chopec can take you."

 

"That would be great." Simon continued to study Blair who was now limping back to the hut. "You've got your work cut out, Jim."

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

"Blair?" Jim stepped inside and took his place beside Blair again. He also noticed that the snake had returned to the hut. Its presence made him uncomfortable. It was curled up next to Blair and the younger man was stroking its head. "The sun's about to set and you look tired," Jim said eventually, wondering what Blair was thinking. "Care to share your thoughts with me?" In the past Blair's voice had always surrounded him, had grounded him, and now Blair was way too quiet.

 

Blair looked up, knowing he had to make a decision. He was bound to commit to the guide-Sentinel relationship, but would leading such a life make him happy?

"Jim? Were you serious when you said that we could stay a little longer?"

 

"Yes," Jim replied reassuringly. "You'll make the decisions this time, set the pace.

 

"Why?"

 

"Because I owe you that. Your decisions won't be fear based."

 

"Fear based?" Blair gave him a stern look. "What do you fear?"

 

Jim was unexpectedly thrown back into the grotto. Incacha had asked him the same thing. It was time to face his fears. Jim gently took hold of Blair's hands and held them tight. "I'm afraid of losing you, failing you. You're my light." Suddenly he understood the vision he'd had in the grotto. "I love you."

 

"Do you feel like that because you lost me once?" Blair moved a little closer to Jim, trying to read the Sentinel's eyes. Was it guilt he saw there?

 

"I lost you twice." Jim finally faced the past. "You drowned because I failed to protect you. A vision warned me that you were in danger, but I pushed you away and then we found you in the fountain…" His voice trailed off when he sensed the tremors that rocked Blair's body. He acted at once and pulled him close. "Do you remember that?"

 

Blair fought for control. Suddenly he was struggling for breath. Water surrounded him and someone pushed his head under water. Fighting his panic he locked eyes with Jim. "I think I remember the drowning…"

 

"I used the power of my animal spirit to bring you back," Jim explained in a tender tone.

 

"The black jaguar?" Blair quavered, as another vision exploded in his mind. He was a wolf and running toward the black jaguar, they jumped and… "We merged?"

 

Jim had to strain to hear that murmur. He had to go all the way, no more holding back. "Our minds merged, but so did our bodies… I could smell come on you and… I came too."

 

"You did?" Blair remembered the ecstasy that had coursed through him. "I do love you, don't I?" he asked confused.

 

"I hope you do, because I certainly love you." Jim cradled Blair against his chest. "Do you understand now why I crave you close?"

 

Blair nodded against Jim's chest. This conversation was draining him. "I need to sleep."

 

"Sure baby," Jim whispered affectionately and moved Blair's body until the younger man was lying down. He covered Blair with some furs, while keeping an eye on the Bushmaster. "We'll continue our talk tomorrow." He got to his feet and started for the doorway.

 

"Where are you going?" Blair asked in a sleepy tone.

 

"I thought you would want some privacy." Jim looked over his shoulder and his heart missed a beat. Blair had never been more desirable. The red in Blair's hair reflected the flames and the blue eyes vibrated.

 

"We didn't sleep in the same bed?" Blair didn't really know what to think of this Sentinel.

 

"No," Jim admitted regretfully. "I never let you."

 

Blair raised his left hand and beckoned Jim to come back. "Then hold me tonight?" He hated seeing such pain in Jim's eyes.

 

Jim was back beside him within seconds and sat down behind Blair. "Will your pet let me get that close to you?" He shuddered at the thought of being bitten in his sleep.

 

"It knows you don't present a danger to me," Blair reassured him and moved a little away to give Jim some space to lie down. "Close, Jim."

 

Jim spooned up behind him and enfolded the younger man in his arms. "Close enough?" He was sure he'd died and gone to heaven. Holding Blair like this was bliss.

 

"Yes," Blair whispered and closed his eyes. Jim radiated heat and he snuggled up to the Sentinel now that the fire was dying. "Will we sleep like this when we get back to… Cascade?"

 

Jim smiled. "Yeah, we'll sleep like this for the rest of our lives, no matter where we are!" He reminded himself that Blair needed time, but in the end he was certain that they would return to Cascade. As he listened to Blair's steady breathing he realized that the younger man was asleep. After nuzzling Blair's neck for a moment, he stored away the scent and fell asleep too.

 

///

 

"Enqueri!"

 

Incacha's voice sliced through his mind and he found himself in the dark jungle, standing opposite the dead Shaman. "Incacha? Why?" he asked curiously.

 

"He was dying inside. You let him whither away. A Shaman has needs."

 

Feeling ashamed, Jim had to admit that Incacha was right. "I won't make the same mistake a second time." Incacha gestured him to sit down and Jim obeyed. "Why am I here?"

 

"There's something you need to know," Incacha told him, easily slipping back to the tone he'd used in the past when they'd sat like this for hours. "Blair's a Shaman. You should have encouraged him to explore the spirit plane."

 

"There was so much going on!" Jim defended himself and then realized what he was doing. "I didn't make the effort, did I?"

 

"Your relationship has been about your needs for a long time. Blair set aside his. This has to change." Incacha studied him. "When you lived at the village, who took charge? You or I?" He wanted to make this point subtly.

 

"You did," Jim replied at once. "You led the tribe and you guided me."

 

"Now look at your relationship with Blair. Who makes the decisions?"

 

"Blair tries to guide me," Jim admitted in an uncomfortable tone. "But I make my own decisions."

 

"Are your decisions wise or do they cause pain?" Incacha hoped to guide Jim to revelation.

 

"They cause pain… Blair gets hurt." Jim wondered what Incacha was trying to tell him.

 

"You have to let him take charge. A Shaman's decisions are wise because he knows every decision has consequences. Your decisions are impulsive." Incacha saw the unease in Jim's eyes. "It frightens you to let him make those decisions, why?"

 

"Incacha, Blair's so young. He doesn't know…"

 

Incacha cut him short. "He has an ancient soul. You need to trust him. His love for you will guide him."

 

"So what are you saying?" Jim asked impatiently. "That I should let Blair rule my life? Submit to him?"

 

Disappointed, Incacha shook his head. "You still don't understand. How many more times does Blair have to die for you to see the truth?"

 

Incacha's words almost froze the blood in his veins. "I can't give up control."

 

"Blair calls it fear based decisions, doesn't he?" Incacha stated thoughtfully. "Fear is a bad council. Blair however, is guided by love. Try to understand, Enqueri!"

 

Jim still fought the truth. He understood, but refused to accept. "I'm his protector. I've got to look out for him. I can't do that when he…"

 

"Blair doesn't need a protector! He's a grown man, a Shaman! How many times did he save your life?"

 

Suddenly feeling very small, Jim avoided Incacha's eyes. "He's just a kid."

 

"He isn't!" Incacha exclaimed. "He's a grown man! If you refuse to accept the truth Blair will get hurt again and I won't allow it!" Exasperated, Incacha shook his head. "What you fear is losing control and letting Blair truly guide you."

 

Jim couldn't deny it. "What do I do?"

 

"Stay with the Chopec and listen, really listen to Blair." Incacha hoped Jim would let the truth in. "Don't ever forget that he's your light. Let his light guide you, Sentinel!"

 

Jim sensed Incacha's annoyance and felt confused. Could he do what Incacha wanted him to do? Could he let Blair make those decisions? He could try.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Blair woke due to Jim's moving about behind him. The Sentinel was mumbling, but Blair couldn't make out the words. Turning onto his other side, he studied Jim's face. The Sentinel looked angry. He was still trying to process everything Jim had told him. He had died once and now Jim wanted them to return to Cascade. But he wasn't ready for that. He still needed to heal. Some injuries had never gotten the time to heal and the mental scars still caused him pain.

 

"Jim?" The only thing he knew for certain was that he loved this Sentinel and that Jim loved him back. Was it enough? "You're having a bad dream." He reversed their roles and slipped his arms around Jim's waist, holding him close. It felt amazingly good to hold Jim, to comfort him and he knew for certain he'd never been allowed to do that in this manner before.

 

Ever since Jim had returned Blair saw flashes of what he assumed was his past. Jim was sitting on a bench in the park, throwing a dog a piece of his hotdog. His last flash had shown him a darker image. A blond haired woman had pointed her gun at him. He shook it off and concentrated on Jim again.

 

He'd long decided that they would return to Cascade at one point, but he didn't know yet when he would be ready to leave. He wanted, no needed, to be part of the Chopec a little longer.

 

Jim finally grew still in his arms and Blair stared at the handsome face. Jim's eyes had been his undoing. Every time Jim looked at him, his heart beat a little faster. Had to be love. And then those blue eyes opened and stared at him.

 

"Blair?" Jim licked his lips, seeing the surprised expression in Blair's eyes. Suddenly, letting Blair take control didn't sound that bad any more. Incacha had been right. Subconsciously, Jim knew that, but his fear based decisions always got in the way. Blair was incredibly close and suddenly Jim realized that the younger man was holding him! They hadn't fallen asleep like this.

 

"You had a bad dream," Blair explained in a heavy tone. He didn't really understand it himself, but he was growing hard and he wanted Jim to touch him. But according to Simon, they never had been lovers and he didn't want to rush Jim.

 

"Can I kiss you?" Jim asked in a soft tone. At times it was hard to look beneath all that war paint and see the Blair he knew was hidden underneath it. Oh, he knew Blair had changed and accepted that. "Please?" Was this what Incacha had meant? Letting Blair make their decisions?

 

"Do you want to kiss me?" Blair thought he read desire in Jim's eyes.

 

"Oh yes." Jim leaned in closer to brush Blair's lips. "I wanted to kiss you for so long!"

 

Blair smiled and returned the shy kiss. "Do you still want us to be lovers?"

 

"Yes!" Jim stated resolved. "But you set the pace, remember?"

 

Blair's smile grew even brighter. He didn't waste any time and reclaimed Jim's lips. Pushing against his lover's teeth he gained entry and explored the warmth inside. Jim's tongue chased his and before Blair knew it, he was lying on top of the Sentinel.

 

"Blair," Jim started, amazed to find his lover this aggressive. Blair was seductively moving against his groin and his cock rose to attention. "We should stop this…" He moaned helplessly as Blair's left hand fumbled with his zipper and then slid down his jeans.

 

Impishly, Blair held Jim's glance. Jim was hard beneath his fingers. "Do you want me that bad?"

 

"Yes," Jim stared into Blair's dilated pupils. "But we shouldn't…" If they didn't stop now, they would go all the way and he feared Blair wasn't ready for that.

 

Blair reached into a pouch and retrieved a small jar. He opened it and coated his fingers with it. "Claim me," he whispered seductively and pushed down Jim's boxers.

 

"Blair…" Jim was only capable of a groan. "What are you…?" Blair rubbed something slick and warm on Jim's cock. "Blair? Baby?" Speechless, Jim stared at his lover as Blair raised himself. The leather skirt Blair was wearing presented no barrier and Jim could only hold his breath as Blair impaled himself on his throbbing cock. "Blair!"

 

Blair pressed down and grinned. "Or maybe I should claim you?" Not expecting an answer he set a slow rhythm, riding Jim. "You have no idea how much I want this." He leaned in closer to suckle one of Jim's nipples. "We're bound to each other now, Jim," he stated and roughly claimed his lover's lips.

 

Jim fought for breath. He still couldn't believe that Blair was riding him this passionately. Blair had made the decision to take this step and he had let him. Suddenly, he understood what Incacha had tried to tell him. Love guided Blair! His right hand grabbed Blair's waist, helping his lover to raise himself. Staring at Blair's draped eyes he groaned as Blair moved down his length again, impaling himself. His other hand cupped Blair's ass and he reached up to kiss his lover.

 

Blair passionately returned that kiss and then rolled them over so Jim was on top now. He stared at the man above him and smiled. "Make me come," he ordered and spread his legs to accommodate his lover.

 

"I won't last long." Jim panted hard and let go of his control, letting Blair guide him. It only took a few deep thrusts and then he came hard. He screamed Blair's name as he hit orgasm.

 

Blair smiled as Jim collapsed on top of him. "You needed that, didn't you?"

 

Drained, Jim mumbled a yes against Blair's chest, relishing the waves of pleasure that washed through him. His head suddenly jerked back up. "You didn't come, baby." Blair's erection still pressed into his stomach.

 

Blair caressed Jim's face. "Want to finish it?"

 

Jim looked lost as he pulled back from his lover's body. Quickly, he wrapped Blair up in his arms and curled his fingers around Blair's begging cock. He stroked Blair's cock slowly, luxuriously, concentrating on his lover's desires. He suckled a neglected nipple, teased Blair with words and then increased the pressure of his strokes. His lover arched up in his arms and Jim kissed him deeply.

 

Blair came in Jim's hand, staring in disbelief at the Sentinel. "I love you," he whispered in a sated tone.

 

"I need to work on our timing," Jim said teasingly as he pulled Blair against his chest. "I can't believe I left you behind!"

 

"It was amazing," Blair whispered satiated and smiled at Jim. "We're one now…"

 

"Why did you do that? Claim me? Blair…" 

 

"You said I could set the pace… I did. I wanted you." Blair closed his eyes, sleep fast approaching. "And you seemed to want it too."

 

"Thank you for this gift."

 

"Gift?" Blair mumbled, dozing off.

 

"The gift of your love. I'll always cherish it." Jim considered cleaning them up, but that meant going outside and waking the Chopec, but… "Do you think they heard us?" He'd screamed Blair's name, hadn't he?

 

"Yes, they did…" Blair managed in a state between sleep and waking. "They're probably grinning."

 

Jim decided not to question Blair, who was obviously tired. "And we have to face them in the morning." He'd never screamed while making love!

 

"Don't worry about it, Jim. Go to sleep."

 

Jim quavered slightly. Cuddling Blair close, he followed his lover to the land of dreams.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

"Gross, man! We're stuck together! My chest hair!"

 

Jim smiled, eyes still closed. It seemed like with every passing hour Blair was remembering more, sounding more like the Blair he'd known. "You want to go and clean up?"

 

"Yes! Let's go to the river." Blair looked at his lover and leaned in closer to kiss him. "You're mine now, you realize that?"

 

"Sounds good to me." Jim looked at Blair and his heart missed a beat. Would Blair allow him to wash off that war paint?

 

Blair grabbed a blanket and used his staff to get to his feet. "Are you coming?"

 

Jim grinned. I'm not coming yet."

 

"Haha!" Blair laughed and knew Jim would follow. As they made their way over to the river he noticed Nahu and Nandu's smile. They had doubtlessly heard Jim's scream when the Sentinel had come.

 

"Blair?" Jim quickly caught up with his lover, after zipping up again. The sun radiated heat and as they reached the river, he actually looked forward to taking a bath.

 

Nahu quickly took Jim aside to tell him that Simon had left. Then he gave the Sentinel a thoughtful look. "I can leave if you want me to."

 

But Jim shook his head. Finally making love to Blair had taken away some of his fears. "No, stay." He returned Nahu's smile and joined his lover who had removed the leather skirt and was now walking into the river.

 

Blair took a deep breath and then took a dip. He relished the water, but his leg immediately protested. "Come on in, Jim. The water's nice!" he called out.

 

Jim froze and the smile slipped from his face. Blair had said those words after Alex had killed him and back then, he'd denied his lover, but not this time. "Just give me a sec!" he stripped and then joined Blair. Yes, the water was nice indeed. Why had he been afraid to take that trip with Blair weeks ago?

 

Blair splashed him and Jim retaliated. In the end, they were making out in the water, never realizing several amused Chopec were watching them.

 

Blair's pain filled moan caught Jim's attention. "Baby? What's wrong?"

 

Blair looked up apologetically. "It's the knee. It doesn't like the water."

 

Jim left the water and quickly retrieved a blanket, then guided Blair to the shore. "Sit down, Chief." Taking a seat next to Blair, he covered them with the blanket. The sun would dry their skin and hair. To his delight, he found that most of the paint on Blair's skin had washed off, but the hair was still red and black. "I love you, Blair. I can't say it often enough."

 

Blair nodded his head. "I love you too, Jim." Then he fell silent and watched as the children claimed the river to play in. "My leg hurts," he admitted in the end, offering an explanation for his silence.

 

Jim hesitated to bring up the hospital again. "Will you come with me to Cascade when the week's up?"

 

Blair simply nodded his head. "I'll go where you go. I'll follow."

 

For some reason those words startled Jim and he grabbed Blair's shoulders. "No, I don't want you to follow. I want you to guide me!" Last night had shown him how their lives could be if he let go of his fear, let go of his need to control. Blair's soft smile surprised him.

 

"Are you sure? You like to be in control."

 

"What do you remember?" Jim asked confused.

 

"A lot… I remember the loft… the station, H, Rafe, Joel. I remember you telling me to stay in the truck." His left hand caressed Jim's naked skin. "I thought you wanted to go back to how it was."

 

"No, I promised myself to learn from my mistakes. You're the guide… It's time you got the chance to do just that." He'd been a fool in the past. "I trust you, trust your decisions. They aren't fear based like mine."

 

Blair rested his head on Jim's chest. "I'll go back with you to Cascade."

 

"Thanks, baby. It hurts me to see you in pain. I want those doctors to have a look at your leg and wrist." An ugly scar disfigured Blair's wrist. "Do you think the Chopec will let you go? After all, you're their Shaman."

 

"I'll always be their Shaman, no matter where I am, but I would like to return here… you know, once we're old and after you retired from the force." Blair looked at the snake that was sunbathing next to them. "I never thought I would say this, but I'll miss that little critter." No way he would be able to get Shushupe through Customs.

 

"We’ll see about that." Jim relished the feel of Blair's arm around him. Although he disliked having the snake at the loft, it was important Blair had something close that reminded him of the fact that he truly was a Shaman. "Let's enjoy this week in paradise," Jim said eventually.

 

Blair understood perfectly. Some time ago he had wondered if he could be Blair, the Shaman. Now he had his answer. He'd always been Blair, the Shaman. Returning to Cascade wouldn't change that. Feeling at peace with the world he listened to Jim's heartbeat and curled his fingers around his lover's.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

"It's time to go, Blair." Jim looked almost apologetically. He hated taking Blair away from the Chopec, but his lover had made his decision and he respected that. The week was up and it was time to go back to Cascade. Blair whispered softly with Nandu and Nahu and he refrained from eavesdropping. He knew it was hard on Blair to leave the Chopec. Although Blair no longer wore the battle paint, the red and black was still in his hair. The paint refused to go. He thanked Nahu for driving the jeep to the village and promised the young Sentinel to return shortly. Any time off from the force would be spent here, taking Blair with him. Everything would work out. He had to believe that. Blair had assured him they would work things out!

 

"I'll miss you," Blair told the Chopec and a tear fled his eyes. "You gave me a home."

 

Nandu patted Blair on the shoulder and guided him to the jeep. Incacha had appeared in his dreams and had told him to support Blair's decisions.

 

It took Blair some time to climb into the jeep as his knee hampered him. He held onto the staff, which he was taking with him, together with his belt and pouches. Nandu had insisted he would continue to study plants and had agreed to send fresh plants by mail. Nahu would drop off the packages at the post office. That was a day's walk, but Nahu had assured Blair he didn't mind.

 

"Don't forget your pet, Chief." Jim ried hard not to shiver as the Bushmaster slithered into the jeep. It had taken a lot of paperwork, but they'd gotten a permit to take the animal with them to Cascade. Blair however. had protested that decision in the beginning, believing the snake wanted to stay in the jungle.

 

In the end Jim had suggested that Blair let the snake decide. Jim had no idea what had happened that last night, but when Blair had woken up, the young man had told him that the snake wanted to stay with them. This had been a hard decision on everyone and Jim refused to think of the reactions of future visitors to the loft when they were confronted with the snake. But having the snake close was important to Blair, to his Shaman. Jim slipped behind the wheel and made sure everything was packed and inside the jeep. "Are you ready to go, baby?"

 

"I know we need to leave, but… a small part of me will always be here," Blair whispered.

 

Jim nodded his head. "I feel the same way, Blair." Jim took a moment to study his lover. Blair looked tired. "Is the knee still throbbing?" Ever since they'd had taken that bath in the river, Blair's knee had been acting up.

 

Blair opened a pouch, took out the leaves of a dried plant and chewed on it. "I'm fine. We'd better leave now before I change my mind." He said goodbye to the Chopec and then curled up on the seat. Leaving the village behind them, his heart broke.

 

Jim didn't speak either, both men were trying hard to come to terms with what had happened these last weeks.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

"I hate heights, don't I?" Blair asked, nervously. They'd boarded their plane and he was barely hanging onto to his control. He vividly remembered another plane crashing.

 

Jim nodded his head. "Yeah, you do." He'd suggested they took the boat back, but Blair had insisted on flying and Jim had given in, slowly gaining faith in Blair's ability to make the right decisions. Blair wanted to face his fears. "Are you still okay?"

 

"Scared, yes, but I can deal with it." He checked on the snake. It had been put in a cage and the other passengers had been either frightened or curious. They had quickly reassured the passengers and Blair had stroked the snake's head to convince them that everything was fine. The other passengers had finally calmed down.

 

"What's going to happen when we land in Cascade?" Blair asked softly. They'd discussed this before, but he needed the reassurance.

 

"Simon will take us to the loft and tomorrow you've got an appointment with Doctor Jackson. He'll have a look at your wrist and knee," Jim patiently explained. "Do you also want to go to the station?"

 

Blair wavered. "I would like to see Joel, H, Megan and the others, but… how will they react?" He knew he looked weird with the red and black hair and the war paint had left behind a very faint impression on his skin, which refused to go away.

 

Jim claimed Blair's hand and twined their fingers. He smelled fear on his lover. "Is it the flight or...?

 

"I'm praying the plane won't crash," Blair admitted. "I still can't believe what happened."

 

"It changed you," Jim realized. "You're no longer the same Blair that left Sierra Verde."

 

That name still made Blair wince. He once again remembered Alex, the temple and it still hurt.

 

"Why don't you try to rest a little?" Jim knew Blair's knee caused the young man pain, no matter how much plants Blair chewed.

 

"I don't want to close my eyes," Blair confessed, scared that at exactly that moment the plane would crash. "I want to stay awake."

 

Jim gently squeezed Blair's left hand. "The plane won't crash."

 

"You hope."

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Simon paced the arrival hall, cursing the fact that Blair and Jim's flight was delayed. Although the delay was only thirty minutes, it irritated him. He wanted to know Blair safe and sound in Cascade. He smiled brightly, remembering his team's reaction to the news that Blair was alive. Megan had dropped onto the chair and had stared blankly for some moments, but then a dopey grin had surfaced on her face. H had grabbed Rafe for a little dance, laughing loudly and proclaiming that Blair would be back in no time. Rafe hadn't looked too happy when H had caught him for a tango.

 

But he remembered Joel's reaction best. Taggart had cried, not caring what the others thought of his reaction. Joel had sat down behind his desk, absentmindedly rearranging his files. Then a smile had appeared on his face. During that entire time Joel hadn't spoken a word. And now Major Crime was waiting for Blair to make his appearance. Although they didn't know when Blair would visit the station, they'd already prepared the office, hanging a welcome home banner over the doorway.

 

"Simon?"

 

Hearing Jim's voice surprised him. Had he been that lost in thought? He turned around and smiled, taking in his friends' appearances. Blair walked up front, carrying the cage. Simon shuddered when he saw the Bushmaster. Hopefully Blair knew what he was doing. One step behind Blair was Jim, carrying their duffle bags. Simon saw the pleased expression in Jim's eyes, but there was a much deeper change in them, but he couldn't label it. "Kid, did you have to bring that critter with you?" Simon took a step back as the snake opened its eyes.

 

Blair smiled brilliantly. "The two of you'll become friends," he said teasingly and put down the cage to shake Simon's hand. To his surprise he found himself buried in a bear hug, Simon pulling him close.

 

Amused, Jim watched them and caught Blair's puzzled expression. "You'd better get used to it, baby. A lot of people will want to hug you!"

 

Blair smiled and patted Simon's back. "Hey, I'm fine."

 

"But you still need that staff to support you," Simon pointed out to him. "Make sure he sees a doctor, Jim."

 

"I will," Jim promised. Together the three of them left the arrival hall and got into Simon's car.

 

"To the loft?" Simon asked to make sure.

 

"Yes, and you can tell the gang that we'll be at the station this evening." Jim saw Simon's pleased look. He suspected their friends would stay at the station even after their shifts had ended, just to see for themselves that Blair was alive.

 

"I'll let them know," Simon whispered and drove to the loft.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Memories assaulted Blair when he opened the door to the loft. He remembered finding his things packed and Jim telling him to be gone before the Sentinel returned. The pain was bad.

 

"Blair?" Jim grabbed the cage and put it onto the floor. He exchanged a concerned glance with Simon. "What are you remembering?"

 

"The boxes."

 

A deadly silence descended onto the loft. "I'm sorry. I should never have done that. Fear based decisions, remember?" It was all he had to offer for an apology.

 

Blair sighed. "Yes, I remember." He walked over to the couch and sat down. As his eyes drifted through the loft, he realized that Jim had put everything back.

 

"Jim? I'd better be going… I need to head back to the precinct," Simon placed a comforting hand on Jim's shoulder. "They want to throw him a little party."

 

That made Jim smile. "We'll drop by at nine PM."

 

"Bye, Sandburg!" Simon called out and waved at the kid. He still had to get used to the red and black hair.

 

"Bye, Simon." Blair watched him leave and then retrieved the cage. After making sure that Simon had closed the door he opened the cage and took out the snake. "We'll have to create a cozy little place for him. Drag in some branches and stuff."

 

"And you can feed him." Jim shivered.

 

Blair grinned and set the snake free, which immediately set out to discover its new home.

 

"I'd better not find it in our bed!" Jim warned them and sat beside his lover. "You okay?"

 

"Yeah. It feels a little weird to be here, but it's okay…"

 

"You're thinking about the Chopec."

 

"Just a little homesick," Blair said softly. "So, where do I put my stuff?"

 

Jim heard the underlying question. "You sleep upstairs in our bed, baby." Jim fingered a red strand of Blair's hair. "Do you think it will eventually disappear? The paint?"

 

"I don't know," Blair admitted and snuggled up to Jim. He raised his right leg and rested it on the coffee table. He hoped that this doctor Jackson would be able to help him.

 

"Are you up to seeing the gang? We can drop by tomorrow if…" Jim grew silent as Blair gave him a stern glance.

 

"I'm sure." Blair's eyes searched and located the snake, which had curled on the floor, sunbathing again. "I hope he'll like it here."

 

Jim grinned. "Looks like he feels comfortable already. Any regrets, Blair?"

 

"No, not really," Blair whispered and wished he could straddle Jim's hips, but the leg was keeping him back. "Think I can nap a while before going to the station?"

 

Jim checked the time. "We still got four hours left. Sure, take that nap. I'll unpack our stuff." Blair lay down and Jim grabbed the afghan to cover Blair. His lover's eyes were already closing and he pressed a kiss on Blair's brow. "Have some sweet dreams, baby." He walked over to the doorway and picked up their duffle bags. As he looked over his shoulder to check on Blair he saw that the snake had curled up on Blair's lap. He smiled as he carried their things upstairs. Blair was finally home and the past wouldn't repeat itself. Blair would keep them safe.

 

The end


End file.
